ฮฑ thirty day wonder ฯ
Posted: Sun, Oct 4, 2015 06:48:14 AM
yesterday i wrote about forces and vectors, and although that seemed to have very little to do with the reading at hand, i somehow made it all fit together at least in my mind. the reading today, lends itself o a whole lot of different paths. if i choose to relate my experience, at least when i was one of those “use every 30 days kind of guys,” it does not fit. i did not want recovery or even believe i belonged here, PERIOD! i was here to get rid of other outside issues and sticking around was never my intention.so with that path closed to me, i guess i have to write bout something else.
the other obvious path i could trod this morning, is what i see from others. one of the good things as well as one of the curses,l is that i get to witness the parade of the 30 day wonders, in and out, and in and out and in and out again, again, and again, ad infintum, it seems. since i have never been part of that crowd, as i never owned the fact that i never stopped using, way back when, writing about them and their motives would simply be an exercise in projection and speculation. that being said, i guess there has to be another tack i can take today.
yes, there is, i may not have been a thirty day wonder, but i have felt the feelings described in the reading and wondered if this was really just a waste of time. more than once, i have meetings a bore, the fellowship filled with drama queens and hypocrites, and felt myself wondering if i was truly like “those people.” in the course of my travels, over the past few days, i was offered alcohol, given a perfect rationalization for using another legal substance, and watched as those around me, started to get artificially happy. it is a good thing that in the love-hate cycle i have the fellowship, i am in a love phase, otherwise, who knows where i would of ended up last night. or even worse, where i would end up this evening, after returning home, after all…
nope, today i have no desire to use, no matter what club i belong to, or where i may happen to be hanging out. today, i may not be a spiritual giant, but i certainly have a spiritual path to follow. today i may not find meetings to be the most compelling activity of my day, but they keep me grounded to the fact of who and what i am. and what i am, is an addict who needs to get rolling down the road towards my flight home and my life at a mile high, with my feet on the ground! it is a great day to be clean and even a better day to be grateful that i could be a part of an event, far from home and far from my beaten track.
see y'all, very soon!
the other obvious path i could trod this morning, is what i see from others. one of the good things as well as one of the curses,l is that i get to witness the parade of the 30 day wonders, in and out, and in and out and in and out again, again, and again, ad infintum, it seems. since i have never been part of that crowd, as i never owned the fact that i never stopped using, way back when, writing about them and their motives would simply be an exercise in projection and speculation. that being said, i guess there has to be another tack i can take today.
yes, there is, i may not have been a thirty day wonder, but i have felt the feelings described in the reading and wondered if this was really just a waste of time. more than once, i have meetings a bore, the fellowship filled with drama queens and hypocrites, and felt myself wondering if i was truly like “those people.” in the course of my travels, over the past few days, i was offered alcohol, given a perfect rationalization for using another legal substance, and watched as those around me, started to get artificially happy. it is a good thing that in the love-hate cycle i have the fellowship, i am in a love phase, otherwise, who knows where i would of ended up last night. or even worse, where i would end up this evening, after returning home, after all…
nope, today i have no desire to use, no matter what club i belong to, or where i may happen to be hanging out. today, i may not be a spiritual giant, but i certainly have a spiritual path to follow. today i may not find meetings to be the most compelling activity of my day, but they keep me grounded to the fact of who and what i am. and what i am, is an addict who needs to get rolling down the road towards my flight home and my life at a mile high, with my feet on the ground! it is a great day to be clean and even a better day to be grateful that i could be a part of an event, far from home and far from my beaten track.
see y'all, very soon!
∞ DT ∞