Blog entry for:

a spiritual giant or some sort of recovery guru. i am just another addict and the expectations i put on myself and my peers are often the tools i use to separate myself from the pack. it is true that i have some clean time and that as i stay clean and keep coming around, what i want from those i share my recovery, has changed but what i need from them, however, has not. life as an addict in recovery is way different for me today than it was when i had thirty days clean and is probably way different than those who have been “around” the program, but never quite “get it.” sitting here sixty hours into my work week, i can see that the pattern that is my life today, was not possible for me at thirty days clean, so it always surprises me, when others think they know what it is like to walk a path of recovery for decades. i am just as clueless as to what it takes the newest of my peers to stay clean for thirty, sixty or even ninety days. and yet, i still form expectations about how THEY should do this gig and judge them based on the expectations i have formed about how they should do this gig.
looking at my part in “driving away” those who need this program the most, can certainly become an exercise is self-abasement. this morning, however, i am not in the mood to do so. what i am “hearing” is all about what i can do, as in exercise my personal power, to let go of what i think others “should” be doing. here it comes, way back when i got clean, the local fellowship was different. we struggled to get a meeting a day, every day, up and running. my peers and i became the “protectors of the faith̶ as it were, fending off incursions from those who were of the opinion that all twelve step programs were the same and carried the same message. the scars i bear from those battles, still affect me today. through the lenses of those days i find myself listening to my peers and wondering how they stay clean. the path to being a “pioneer” was not blazed out of any altruistic desire to carry the message. no, for me, it was all about not having to drive miles and mil;es to go to a meeting of a fellowship that actually spoke to me, even though i often found myself driving miles and miles because i discovered i needed to hear what the “old-timers” were doing to live their program of recovery.
when i find myself drawing away from the local fellowship for one reason or another, i have to think back to those early days and wonder what it might be like, if i was a different person and not so easily separated from the pack. the fact of the matter is that back then as well as today, i still have issue with others telling me what to do. the difference is today, i do not pick up my marbles and pack it off to another location. i have been known to leave my marbles behind and take off to parts unknown, expecting them to still be here when i finally come to my senses and return. as i find my path to the chaos and turmoil that is my local fellowship, i can be certain of one thing, there is a strong base of recovery here and those seeking recovery, for the first or the ninety-first time, can and will find the experience they need to stay clean, just for today. i may not be the most loving, tolerant or accepting guy on the block, but i do have something to give my peers, my EXPERIENCE, STRENGTH and HOPE.

∞ DT ∞