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and a new way forward is certainly a pair to brighten up my day this morning, it is not as if i was in a mood, but any thought that lightens my load is a good start. i know i accepted abstinence long before i had any desire to stay clean, so HOPE was not part of the deal, way back when. even after getting clean, staying clean and making the decision to work some sort of program, i was not all that hopeful that i would make this a journey i wanted to take, after all, as i have heard it said, i am still an addict and addicts who used like i did, do not stay clean. that particular truism goes on to say that sooner or later they will use again, as i have seen many of my peers do. the fact is, somewhere down the line, i must have got just enough hope to dedicate myself to living a program that i can implement on a daily basis and let tomorrow take care of itself. my HOPE these days is that IF i choose to live a program of recovery, actively, in the here and now, i can decide whether or not to do so tomorrow. conversely, if i use, today, that choice becomes exponentially harder to make tomorrow.
i may suck at fantasy football and i have an issue or three with my project at work, BUT neither of those stumbling blocks are even close to pushing me over the edge into active addiction, at least right here and right now. thinking about what my friend who is currently a guest of the local sheriff's department said about his choice to use, it makes a bit more sense with some time and distance between us. his desire to not feel, mirrors mine. one of the reasons i enjoyed getting high so much was because in that moment, i could feel absolutely nothing, much like the void that i touch in the mornings when i choose to sit. what i draw out from that exercise is far more valuable than the momentary respite i get from feelings, when i use. i can carry that little bit of nothingness and everything-ness with me through my day and nip off a bit of it, when the going gets tough. that was not something that was possible in active addiction, as my only relief was yet another dive into a substance or behavior that allowed me not feel, once again. the HOPE in how i live today , is that i am no longer chained to a desire to suspend my feelings, by any means at my disposal.
for me, just for today, i can find HOPE in the fact that i am sitting in a space created by days on days of abstinence. that chain of days, unbroken to date, allows me the freedom to choose my path today. by carefully weighing the alternatives, i can see that for me anyhow, i am in the perfect spot between the so-called “normal” and the world of active addiction that i once knew oh so well. right here and right now, i have the desire to stay clean and do whatever it takes to foster my life in recovery and build the HOPE that i can continue to find a new manner in which to live.

∞ DT ∞