Blog entry for:

the path of recovery is my way of life, and i am here for the duration.
much to my initial dismay, i am still here after quite a few thirty day periods. that does not, however disqualify me from the state of mind described in the reading this morning. the fact that i have longevity is rally of no importance. like the mythical **thirty day wonder,** i too, find the creeping ennui of days in a row clean to sometimes make me reach for something more. i get of the mindset that i know enough about addiction and myself that this whole going to meetings gig is a waste of my time. i start to look for something, anything that will cause a bit of ruckus and chaos in my all too smooth life, forgetting that among the reasons i used, was to level out the ups and downs of my human existence. yes there is still a part of me that wants the excitement of living life in active addiction, although what i remember of those days is clouded by time and has been polished into a romantic notion of how wonderful that life once was. i forget the long stretches of doing whatever i could because what i wanted was not available. i forget what i had to do to get the resources needed to fulfill my mission, blissfully wipe out the events of each day. i forget hanging out in bathrooms and backrooms, coming out only to get something more. i forget my inability to cope, pay my bills, express any emotion, save rage. all of that and so much more i forget, because for me, the substances did their magic, right up to the end, and like that silly commercial about a bath product, took me away.
so i GET what the reading was saying, it was not about those members who waltz in and out of the doors, because they just do not GET it. it is not about those members who come in and out because of what they believe others are saying, or have resentments for perceived wrongs.
NO, IT IS ABOUT A VERY PARTICULAR MIND-SET THAT I AS WELL AS OTHERS ARE SUBJECT TO AT ANY TIME!
the notion that i am not getting rewarded enough, fast enough, for being good and that my life is not improving enough or quick enough. it is about the part of me that can never get enough, and that part of me has all the tools of recovery at it's disposal as well. so when i start hearing myself whining about not having enough of anything, i can almost be certain that the part of me i call my addict is at work again. the ONLY foil for that, is the help of the fellowship, another person in recovery and THE POWER THAT FUELS my recovery. right here and right now? well i have got everything done i need to this morning, so it is time to shower and head on down to the office. i can and will get to a meeting tonight as well as hang with some brothers in recovery, in a smoke filled room. all of that and so much more, IF i choose to stay clean today. that looks highly probably as right here and right now i am willing to allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to care for my will and my life, no matter how boring or mundane i may perceive it to be. it is after all a good day to be more than i was yesterday and i do have the direction i need to, to be so.

∞ DT ∞