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of assuming control of my life, always hangs over me like some sort of sword of Damocles, ready to snatch my life away with a single misstep of faux pas. at least, that was what i once believed i heard from those who had walked this recovery path before i got here. in fact, many of my peers, some with much more clean time than i have, seem to live in absolute abject fear about this possibility and alter their lives in seemingly bizarre, in my not so humble opinion, to counter this possibility. i have lived under the shadow of FEAR for far too long in my life. i certainly have no doubt i am an addict and that the power to stay clean, just for today, comes from a source outside of me. i wanted to add a “but” there, BUT, facts are facts and to diminish those facts with a caveat is not what i am about today. yes i am an addict, yes i need to let go and cease fighting the world around mew, and yes i need to maintain my recovery on a daily basis. i do not however, need to live in FEAR about my “inevitable” relapse and decline into active addiction, just because i make plans, do the footwork and look forward to what the coming days, may or may not bring. more than a littler bit bit of me, chafes under the implied yoke of total subservience to a HIGHER POWER and a recovery program. after a minute clean, i do have a clue or two about how to maintain my recovery and thinking for myself, is part of that path.
which brings me to the topic that has been on my mind the last sixteen hours or so. one of the men i once sponsored, who seems to want me to sponsor him again, reached out to me, as i hiked in the Wild Basin section of Rocky Mountain National Park, yesterday. several weeks ago, he called me and admitted to being complicit in the demise of someone else and was expecting consequences. now he is saying that he tried to save that person and wants to “honest-up” with me. all of that aside, i am certainly torn about what to do, as this man has continued to waste my time and certainly has not pout the same amount of effort into his recovery as i have, oops once again a judgement. the last time we had that particular conversation, he manipulated me into backing down by whining about how everyone in his life has always “left” him, and i bought it, hook, line and sinker. as i allow the POWER that fuels my recovery, to provide the answer to my dilemma, i have generated a thousand reasons why and why not i “need” to be his sponsor. the wall i keep hitting, is what exactly is the right thing for me to do, for myself as well as for him. it feels like a rigged game to me, either way and i am working towards letting go of what i believe and my judgements and allowing the answer to “come” to me, through the practice of my 11TH step. lacking any direction from that quarter today, i will choose to do nothing and move into my day. i certainly KNOW what i have to do today and worrying about this, is not part of that, just for right now.

∞ DT ∞