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but there is a power in the meetings, a common bond among the members, a life to the program that i cannot do without.
and the truly wonderful part of this reading , for me, anyhow is that i was beginning to feel that i did not have to be a part of this whole gig anymore. that somehow, i was getting better enough to kiss all of this goodbye and get on with my life. now that i have said it, i need to think what exactly does that mean the "get on with my life" idea. well for one, living my life in self-will, dependent on no one and nothing for my daily sustenance. for me it would be a return to the "rational" belief system of everything needing to have corroborative evidence and explained into nice neat concepts that can be filed away for future reference. it would be a slow withdrawal from the friends i have found in the program, after all i would spend the time i spend in meetings, conventions and service work, engaged in different pursuits and soon enough most of those people i count among my friends would probably get the hint that i had moved on. and as the feelings of hypocrisy and superiority took hold and grew, i would seek the ways and means to deny even feeling those feelings and finally numbing them into oblivion.
and before i knew it, i would be in the same state as i was when i came to this path what seems like only a few days ago. why would i even desire to look down this path? well, the reading this morning while talking about the pink cloudy newcomers, also applies to me. it has been quite a few days since i had a pink cloud, but there have certainly been times in my recovery where i wanted to seek another manner of living. the time, emotional and spiritual commitment sometimes feels way more than i am willing to pay. and being the person i am, i seek the easier, softer way, after all i have the evidence that i can have periods of long-term abstinence and that evidence seems to point to an innate ability of my being. that evidence also seems to indicate that all i need to grow and heal is to maintain that abstinent state. the piece of evidence i choose to ignore is the difference within me since i did that very first piece of step work with my very first sponsor. even though i had yet to concede to my innermost self that i was an addict, the stage was set for this entire journey, i opened my mind to the possibility that i may need a clue or three, those clues just keep coming.
the fact that i could consider a life of self-sufficiency attractive for even a second is evidence that i am far from being cured and yes even i need to do what i have been doing since i finally surrendered to this way of life, no matter how much of my time and energy it takes. after all. for me this is not just about not using anymore but if i need a reminder all i have to do is go to the meeting tonight and actually listen to the desperate pain they are feeling. and perhaps that is what i will do!

∞ DT ∞