Blog entry for:

for the duration, even IF it is just for today.
a couple of things popped into my head as i sat this morning, the first being, why do i stay around? the second being what would my life be like, if i decided that i have done this recovery gig for long enough.
one might say that i have “endured” for a bit of time and one might be correct in that statement. it is true i have been doing this recovery gig and have been reaping the benefits of living a program of active recovery. case in point, the balance i have in my life, even though i face the consequences of my extreme obsession of getting a very quick fix. i should be all twisted up, and yet i am not, i just am. somewhere in my heart i feel as if things will turn out okay, although i hardly can see what “okay” means. this is just the next leg of my trek through recovery and if truth be told, not necessarily the worst financial crisis i have ever face. i survived not having a job and not knowing how i was going to pay the bills and carrying that burden all by myself. of course, i let no one know how close i was to the edge, not even my sponsor, as i prayed frantically for a solution. one arrived and i am living it still today. i may not be happy about having to work until i am seventy or seventy-five, but i am grateful i have the means to keep a roof over my head, food in my belly and the lights, internet and heat going. i am far from certain that would be the case if i decided in my less than infinite wisdom that living a program of active recovery was not part of what i wanted to do, anymore.
what would my life look like? socially, i would be isolated, as all of my friends are in the rooms. being the social retard that i am, i am quite sure i would withdraw to my house, warm and comfy as it is, and never go out except to go to work. i would cease to be of service to my community. although i could find the means to better my community, chances are that i would not. sooner or later, i would decide that i am not “any sort” of addict and dip my toes back into the using pool and maybe i would stay “legal” for days, months or even years, on pure self will alone. i would be isolated, lonely and always a bit “high” all the time, and i know the balance i find in my life as i sit, would be flushed down the cosmic toilet as i would find meditation something that i just do not have the time to do.
it seems those two questions are interrelated and the fact that i have a life today where i can face my consequences with a bit of courage and faith, is certainly evidence that something is working for me today. today, i can and i will be okay taking the steps i need to take to accept and apply the power to stay clean, from the POWER that fuels my recovery. on that note i will move out into the real world for a very long day and see how i can be a part of constructing a better me.

∞ DT ∞