Blog entry for:

i was finally able to stop using and catch a free breath. for the first time in a long, long time, i felt at home. this is one of those readings, that every time i read it takes me back to the end of active addiction. unlike some who have found recovery, the end days of my active addiction were played out in the rooms of the fellowship that became my home. i did not , way back then, ever believe that would happen, nor did i even desire it, but the reality of the situation is, that when i came to place of being desperate, this is where i landed. in those final months leading up to my decision to belong to something, even if it was to get the world off my back, the most clean time i could string together was thirty days. i was certain that would be my fate, to suffer for twenty-nine days in a row, get that one day of blessed release from the burdens of the world and then back to suffering the next day. that was my plan, and certainly i did not believe anything would ever change that, except that if i could keep it up, i would finally get disentangled from the justice system and be free to play out my life such as it was, an active addict to the end.
well, as you probably have realized, that was not my final fate, after all, i am sitting here today writing this particular piece of mind dumping, years after i finally got clean. before i go on, i must say that i am grateful for the power to decide whether or not i would comply or simply appear to comply was yanked from me in a sudden lurch of improbabilities. it is highly unlikely that i should have tested positive four days after my last use, even more so that i would have chosen to go in on that day, as i had one more twenty-four hour period before i needed to deposit my bodily fluids into the hands of a lab. has i decided to wait, denied my arrogance, who knows where i would have ended-up. perhaps i would have been one of the lucky ones, ending back in recovery, since i now had the knowledge of where i might be able to find recovery. perhaps i would have ended-up in prison, serving a sentence for something i did to feed my need, and later regretted. perhaps i would have shuffled off this mortal coil, in the blissful oblivion of an overdose. those sort of guessing games while fun, are neither productive nor are they worth the time to play for very long. what did happen is that i found recovery, i have far exceeded the thirty day barrier i thought i was limited by, and done much more with the life i have been given, as a result of all that this program has to offer.
where does that leave me today? well after the realizations of the past ten days, about what this step cycle has been all about, in a much better place. i can go back anytime i choose and live that life again, or i can walk forward, following the lead of those who have walked this path before me. i choose the latter as the former is not to my taste today. yes the meetings may not be laugh riots, and the members may not be spiritual giants, BUT they are where i choose to live today, and i am grateful for what recovery brings today. so off to the streets to fulfill my desire to be just a bit more fit, physically as well as emotionally and spiritually, just for right now.

∞ DT ∞