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it is my WAY of life. as crazy and ironic as that sounds, it just happens to be the truth.
the drive to work and the work i did once i got here, sidetracked my thoughts a bit. as i come back to this, i am struck by a few things that occurred to me, on my sloppy journey from Longmont.
the first and foremost, is why i GOT this and why it has been so easy for me to live this as the days go on. seriously, i liked using. nostalgic recall or not, it was my way of life and one that still brings a smile or two to my face when i think about what it felt like to almost reach “that place.” what i do like to think about, and what i shared last night, is, that for me, i am certain that if i tried to reach that place again, the mythical perfect feeling, my life will burn down around me, with me providing the fuel and the ignition source.
to the first question, why i keep doing this and have the desire to keep doing it, is still a mystery to me. sure, my life is way beyond the limits of what i thought it could look like, but it is hard carrying these principles out into all my affairs. even today, as i consider my trip through the snow to convention, i am still wondering why i bother? if i could do this, live this life and not use, for so long, is there really any magic in hanging out in the fellowship and allowing my life to be examined by others? what it comes down to i guess, is the price i pay for being hooked into the fellowship and doing this gig, day after day, worth the rewards i get? more than a bit self-centered there, but that is who i am. in a true cost-benefit analysis, using all the my rational and logical side, i would say a definite maybe. i do have a great life. i do have some friends and i am capable of giving and receiving love. moist of all, i really do like and accept the person i am today, even when i am less than spiritual in some of my affairs.
so it is back to work and into seeing what i can get done in the few hours i have remaining here today.

∞ DT ∞