Blog entry for:

that i was too flawed to have the life i wanted. i was, in fact ready to settle for anything i could get, which certainly was part of the decision-making process to marry my first wife. be that as it may, for nearly three years now i have been freed from that lie and have started to see that i am can do better than just “settling.” i have yet to meet with my new sponse and i already have an assignment to get done before Saturday. part of the reason i felt i needed i change is that i was tired of hiding behind social conventions and i need a sponse that “saw” me. it was not Carlos's fault that i hid in the shadows, as i allowed it to happen, because i kept running up against there wall of “i am better than that.”
this morning as i considered the idea that i could hope to have the life that i once felt i deserved and now believe that i can earn, i get caught up in the semantics of my source material and the fellowship in general. there is a part of me that wants to run with that hope and see where it goes. there is another part of me, that is a whole lot more practical and less prone to wishful thinking keeps heading back into my fortress of settling for what is within my grasp, rather than reaching for something more. the trick in my opinion is to ground my aspirations in reality, but continue to push myself to get a little bit more.
so what was that assignment i was given by my new sponse? to consider what it is that i think i want to look at through the process of the the twelve steps and what i want to use for my source material. both are certainly worthy tasks to accomplish and for the former, i may want to look at my relationship with myself, out from the shadow of the lie. as to the latter, i am have a few notions, but nothing has come popping off the stack, as i am apt to say. just for today, i can hop a little and settle a little and be okay with what i have been given, even when i am still seeking more. i am grateful that just for today, i am not too cool for school 😎 😜

∞ DT ∞