Blog entry for:

my way of life, as i have yet to find another manner of living that provides me the FREEDOM to live. i know i pay a lot of lip service to living a program and after over nine thousand days clean, perhaps it is a bit more than just that. many of my peers speak of walking their talk. i understand what they mean by it, but i am such a stickler for precision, that i say i do my best to LIVE, what i espouse. i have to admit, that some days, it feels like quite a load to bear. the weight of staying clean, living by spiritual principles, putting myself out there and being a part of the lives of those around me, can feel quite heavy and i fantasize about taking a short break from recovery. after all, one of anything may not be too many. after a moment i see the insanity of that notion, one was always too many for me and a thousand was never enough. it always comes down to what is the pay-off for me. is a little experiment really worth what i would be giving up, even for twenty minutes of escape? as rhetorical as that question may seem, for this addict in recovery i have to go down the path of consequences and even one may take me to places that i may never be able to come back from. as dark as that may seem, the light of being clean and living clean, overwhelms those fantastical thoughts and i swiftly return to the fold.
looking at my life through the lens of what may be, is trying and tiring. i spent twenty-five years working on the what could be, if only… what is see in the here and now, is a person who has come to a place where he is excited about where he may be going, even if he does not have a road map where all the hazards are marked. there is no WAZE for recovery and i just have to do the best i can, with what comes down the pike. 🤷 that really is not a heinous way to live, IMHO.
so it is back to the salt mines to finish rebuilding what i was told to do. my first take on my project was not politically correct, even though it was familiar and functional. i have the new design about fifty percent done and will get it looking like what those in power above me “think” it should look like. i pushed back and got told where to go with what i am doing, so i can accept it and make things appear the way they want them to appear. it is ironic that the team that sent the screenshots really have no idea of our workflow and yet i have to yield to their “wisdom.” it is, as it is and it is time for me to move along to my next task for this fine Tuesday morning.

∞ DT ∞