Blog entry for:

...continue to behave according to my rationalizations! recovery can become very painful when i decide that, for one reason or another, the simple principles of the program do not apply to me. rationalizations = lies, period. i know that, i understand that, and yet sometimes they are just so handy, that i use them to justify all sorts of goofball ideas. yes, even i have an idea or thought that is way out there from time to time. sometimes they even sound like a great course of action. so readings like this, are very important to me, as they get me to start to think about what and how i have been rationalizing my behavior in the here and now. sure i could dredge up the past, and rationalize away a whole bunch of sh!t with the line, " after all, i am just an addict!"
that rationalization can even work for my current set of behaviors, such as they are, because i am still just another addict, HOWEVER there is a qualifier that needs to go in front of that and that is ‘recovering’ addict. that small difference in how i think about and describe myself, blows the just another rationalization out of the water. i am, fortunately, no longer ignorant about what i am doing, what i am feeling and what i know about myself and how i interact with the world around me. nor can i pretend to be any longer, that is certainly the path back to active addiction and i have come far too far up this road to desire a return to the start.
so what does that mean? well for one, i never get to enter an advanced phase of my recovery. just because i have worked steps with a sponsor, does not excuse from working them again with a sponsor. just because i have a few days clean, does not excuse mew from going to meetings on a regular basis. just because, i have learned how to love myself and others, and am capable of giving and receiving love, does not excuse me from continuing to dig at what and how my addiction is manifest in my daily life. once again understanding this, believing this and putting this into action are quite different, at least for me. these days, as i move from Step 10 and into Step 11, it is especially important that i am clear about how honest i am being with myself. readings like this remind me that i need to be present for what is going on inside and around me. i have the need to listen to what is being said, and how people are reacting and if they do not get it, reexamine my assumptions and make any changes that are needed.
anyhow, with that thought in mind it is off to the doctor’s office for my annual physical, and although it is certainly another good day to be in recovery, how actively i participate in my life, and ,my recovery is predicated on how honest i can be with myself. when i catch myself forming up a nice juice rationalization, i will stop, see what i am trying to rid myself of the responsibility of, and move forward secure in the knowledge that no matter what i am feeling, i have the tools to keep me from acting out, just for right now anyhow.

∞ DT ∞