Blog entry for:

if only...
what if...
it is not my fault...
at least i am not...
everyone else is...
after all, i am just an addict...
can you not see what you are making me do...
the three phrases that still litter my thinking, even after a bit of time in the rooms, and clean. each and every one of those phrases are the start of a nice juicy rationalization, and sound like they are coming from a petulant pre-teen and not an adult man, well past his pre-teen days, even in clean time days. so the question remains, why do i feel the need to rationalize and yes justify certain behaviors, attitudes and decisions?
certainly food for thought, this morning, after i was quite focused on the behavior and attitudes of someone else, over the past twelve hours. when i finally sat down this morning, the focus had finally switched to why did i not see things the way everyone else seems to see them. am i missing some crucial bit of information? the conclusion i came to, was to trust my feelings, and not be one of the herd of sheeple, on this point only. the fact is, i may be totally wrong and am being played, it would not be the first time. nor world it be the first time what i saw, was spot on and everyone else was wrong. so while the jury is out on this, i will be aware of what is going on and allow myself <GASP> to feel my way to what is the correct answer.
which brings me back to my next pressing topic du jour, how the fVck do i deal with my FEAR of being hurt and allowing another to sink to their lowest point. i wonder if my refusal to rescue my friend from his freezing jail cell and provide him with some additional nutrition, is an overreaction to the pain i have allowed him to inflict upon me over the course of the last decade or so. am i playing the victim, to rationalize some sort of tit for tat response, that is creepily similar to behaviors of this using addict. my diversion into what am i missing that everyone else seems to see, was the means that i distracted myself from coming up with the REAL answer to whether or not i am just being petty, or am i living what i am feeling and doing the next right thing. ironically, although it feels right, my head that action cannot possibly be right. if the situations were reversed, would i not expect him to come and rescue me from the consequences of my less than legal lifestyle and chain of decision-making? which is exactly what i have heard more times than not, coming from his lips, judging the behaviors of others through what i would do. been there, done that and certainly have enough “T”-shirts to prove it. imposing my values and assuming they are universal, has gotten me into trouble in the past, and probably will do so again in the future. no matter how full i am of myself. no matter how secure i am in who i am. no matter how many times i have worked the steps, the fact remains that as an addict i am self-centered, and expect to be treated in a certain manner, after all don't you know who the fVck i am?! there is is, the crux of the problem, feeling hurt and disrespected i want to hurt and disrespect, and in most cases the exact opposite is the next right thing to do. there are times however, when i have to respectfully step back and allow a friend to falter, fail and fall. there are times when i have to admit, i have none of the answers and perhaps someone would be better off, finding a new person to guide them through the process. and there are times i am just fVcked! today? well today i am quite certain that the next right thing to do, is to hop in the shower, scrape the whiskers off my face and head on down for another day of work, letting go all this theoretical discussion and moving into the reality of another day clean.

∞ DT ∞