Blog entry for:

to hold on to old ways of deceiving myself, in fact i just did a bit of busy work to divert myself from thinking about how i can continue to deceive myself. part of the problem, in my opinion is my own human nature, in at least three different ways. the first being, that i want to look at myself in the most positive light possible. when upon examination, i arrive in a state of cognitive dissonance, gawd how i love that term, i use a juicy rationalization to deflect the self-criticism that is certain to be coming next. if i can find a manner of placing the blame somewhere else, my self-esteem need not take the hit, so my rationalization about rationalization goes, and i am safe from having to look at what is really going on. such a wonderful three-ring circus being performed inside my head, like the magician in the center ring, i am always trying to perform a sleight-of-hand trick, to keep myself form really grasping what is going on. the acrobats and in the left ring and the elephants in the right ring, keep me from really seeing what the magician is doing, and i get to slide something under my radar. when i actually concentrate and catch a glimpse of what is really, then my need for a rationalization, read LIE, comes in. i kno9w that most humans do this, and i also know that the part of me i call addiction has honed this to a fine art, especially now that i have no substance use to dull my perceptions and allow me to watch the show in a state of disbelief.
i did say that this was a three-fold problem., and after dealing with the most obvious one, time to shift down the path to the more subtle ones. way back when, i was told to stick with the winners. being young in recovery, and so practically clueless, i would not know a spiritual principle, even if i tripped over one, this i took to mean as those members who have extended periods of abstinence. yes, to me, back in the day clean time DID EQUAL recovery. so as i walked through those days, i did my best to emulate those who had clean time as well as though who had recovery. quite frankly, those who had recovery intimidated me, and i gravitated towards those who only had clean time. since living in abstinence only creates all sorts of dissonant behaviors, i realized early on that if i was going to be like those object models., i would have to learn to lie to myself and those around me, deflecting criticism and always falling back on my length of clean time as my final bastion against the storms of what i was really doing. rationalizing, in this mode, not only was necessary, it became second nature, as i HAD to protect myself from those ‘haters’ who just did not GET me. amazingly, today when i hear the words: “i am only thinking of the newcomer” coming out of my mouth, i instantly look to see what outrageous act i am trying to cover up now. the irony of this is like doing a good deed, is it really a selfless act, if i have to tell everyone about it? so learning to lie, to protect myself came from those members who were already here or at least my interpretation of how they were doing it, and it looked so good and felt so right, that it became my modus-operendi for quite some time in my recovery.
finally and possible the most subtle reason for deceiving myself and those around me, is that it feeds the part of me i call addiction. every so-called sin, provides that part of me with the evidence that i am not any better than i was when i walked into the rooms, or when i finally came to the right rooms, or even since the day i finally stopped fighting the fact that i am powerless over addiction. since that part of me is most concerned with how i look to myself as well as how i look to others, it can and does create the best, least detectable cover-ups, i have ever seen. the rationalizations that come from this part of me, are so subtle, that if i allowed them to persist, i would certainly use again, and would have all the evidence i need to disprove the fact that i am an addict.
i could go on and on, but i think i have come to a place where i can proceed with my day and see what juicy rationalizations i can avoid today. i know that this is a program of honesty, and being honest and true to myself need come first as i do this recovery gig. becoming genuine, whole and self-aware is a full-time job and one that i do not take lightly. so even though i DO NOT feel like running, or working or going to area service today, i will do all of that and more, as that will keep the lights on, the fat off, and my recovery going, one more day. i will do my best to avoid getting into places that i NEED to lie to cover something up, even if that lie is the tiniest of rationalizations, and i will use STEP 10, to detect those places that i was less than perfect in. i am after all only human ;)

∞ DT ∞