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also continue deceiving myself. well actually i can, i see it all around me all the time, and i am no different from those others. what would lend that statement some real strength, is changing the first part to: i cannot LIVE the steps…
yes, in our literature it flat out states that we have never seen an addict relapse who LIVES the program. not my own personal program, not a mish-mosh of this 12 Step fellowship and that, with a little pop-psychology and a dose of new age mysticism thrown in for good measure, but specifically, by name, the fellowship that has given me this way of living.
so what does LIVING THE program mean for me? well for a long time, i thought i was going to end-up alone and lonely. my near monk-like existence was painful and i was nearly ready to settle for anything that came down the road. i got quite tired of hearing not yet, form the POWER that fuels my recovery, so was beginning to explore so alternatives. what i realize now, and lacked clarity about back then, was i was NOT ready to enter a relationship that would lead to a lifetime commitment. i still had more than a few things to work on and the rationalizations that i was good enough to be loved, were exploded in my face. truthfully, i was still incapable of giving and receiving love unconditionally on some fundamental level, even though consciously i believed i was quite ready to. no amount of astrology, affirmations or chanting could change any of that, for me, the STEPS and the personality changes that the steps foster, were the only way i was ever going to find love. not a warm body to share my bed, not a princess in distress to rescue and not another hostage. time and step work and letting go of the rationalizations that kept me from doing anything more than going through the motions and phoning in my recovery.
yes, i see it everyday, in my dealings with others, how i lie to myself, to help me feel better about what i am doing. that has certainly led to one of the new questions on my looming TENTH STEP inventory, have i manipulated, bullied or bludgeoned anyone into seeing my point of view? i hate to admit it, but more than once the answer to that question is yes. what that and the other new question has set up in me, is a way of building a barricade to this particular rationalization trail. it is true, that i DID NOT get invited to last week's wedding, but if i had pressed some buttons and called in some favors, i could have been among the invitees. i thought about that and in the long run, i decided that it was not who i want to be today. that sort of behavior is not part of my won true will for myself and i can live quite comfortably knowing that i was true to myself. what is it that i need to do today? well first and foremost, walk in the light of the spiritual principles that i have come to espouse on a daily basis. and maybe, yet another new question for the TENTH STEP i am not yet formally working, what sort of nonsense did i rationalize away today? or: did i choose to act against my true will for myself and tell myself it was okay, because&hellip?
time will tell, but what it is telling me right here and right now, is to wrap up, shower off and hit the road for Boulder. it is a great day to earn my daily bread.

∞ DT ∞