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or another i come to the conclusion that what is necessary for my peers in recovery does not apply to me. no matter how many times i see the **graduates** of this program of recovery, come walking back into the rooms telling tales of cruelty and despair, i get the notion that i am somehow different and if i slack off a little bit i am immune from the horrors of relapse and the return to active addiction.
it si true, i do have a bit of “grace” here. mostly because in my FEAR to avoid consequences i habitually did what was suggested to me and religiously continued doing so until they were ingrained in my daily routine. those years of routine are the foundation upon which my life in active recovery is built upon and even when i find my self slipping away from meetings and talking to my sponse, i have my daily recovery routine to keep me at least partly attached to the program.
the question that i am hearing this morning is why am i so cock-sure that routine can protect me from thinking that maybe, somehow, this pickle has been returned to the state of being a cucumber? although i have always hatred that particular simile, it is an apt one this morning, as lately i see myself drifting away from the circle of the very people that can provide the support i need , and attempting to make my way into a different social circle or two. the answer i keep getting is because i am starting to believe that i have gone as far as i can and because returns of staying clean are diminishing, maybe it is time to find a new direction. that is a HUGE rationalization and one that i need to consider as my day progresses.
the other thing that is on my mind this morning is, what the man i used to sponsor will say to me, if i get the opportunity to see him this afternoon? i wrote him over a week ago and for whatever reason have not heard back. i know it is not for lack of opportunity, so it might be interesting to see what he has to say. for me, i am no longer willing to more in his recovery than he is investing himself. that too, is something to consider as this day unfolds.
speaking of unfolding, i guess that i have got to the bottom of the stack of topics on my mind and while i certainly could rationalize writing more words, the fact is, that today i am more than certain, that brevity is what i need to practice and the time has come to shuffle off to the office. it is a great day to be clean and a better day to live my program.

∞ DT ∞