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eventually, i must squarely face the truth, the Twelve Steps guide me to a new life in recovery and there is little room for rationalization here. the wonderful world of an addict mind, oops i mean my addict mind. i could start writing about others in my recovery experience, which is almost as good a sa juicy rationalization to deflect my discerning eye off of the target it needs to be focused on, OR i can move forward to write about me and my behaviors. this morning, although i would love to expound on the former the latter it is.
so what kind of nonsense am i rationalizing today? well for one. all of a sudden i am very flush. i had to make a financial move to cover my taxes and now, i am trying to justify the purchase of a new computer, after all i have had this desktop for more than four years now, and after all i deserve something faster and shinier and after all i have some extra bucks in my bank account and after all the wolves are not at my door so therefore… not to bad of work when i can get it. although that particular rationalization has nothing to do with whether or not i will use, it is quite illustrative of how far and how fast i can walk down that path to doing something that i really know better than doing. while all of that is true, my current desktop computer is just fine, it works, it even works fairly quickly and with a minimum of issues and i spent some money last fall on it, to keep it rolling along for another year or so. my question to myself is why i think i NEED something that is the latest and greatest? the answer is because even after some time clean, the part of me i call my addict tells me things i want to hear, and worse because i have some time clean, uses the very participles of my recovery program against me. yes i could use a newer computer, but do i really NEED one? not at all. so it is time to move along, maybe a new car, maybe a new toy, maybe this and maybe that, all of those are an attempt to make me not feel something by exercising my purchasing muscle. the trick here is for me to critically challenge that voice that says i NEED something and here is why. that is where my sponsor, my peers and my trusted friends come in, they are the voice of reason in my maelstrom of insanity, when i choose to let them in, their insight and guidance show me where i am going wrong and their suggestions show me a path back toward the sane behavior of active recovery.
enough of how bad i am or can be. yesterday i got the results of one of my annual blood tests. for the first time in over 20 years my overall cholesterol number is under 200 it is 195 as a matter of fact. i am so happy i want to shout it out from everywhere. i have a family history of cholesterol numbers generally in thew 225 range, so there is proof that what i am doing is paying off. yes i would like to say that i eat oatmeal everyday and exercise because it is the right thing to do, and perhaps on some level that is true. still it feels great to get a bit of validation that i am on the right track here. the HOPE is, that like my physical health, as long as i keep doing what i have been doing to get to where i am, my spiritual health will also continue to progress. so on that it is time to suit up and show up for an aerobic run this morning. much as i would like to rest on my laurels, i know why that number is that number, and i want to keep it moving in the right direction.

∞ DT ∞