Blog entry for:

but, eventually, i must squarely face the truth and start acting accordingly. regardless of what i think or believe. yes, i still rationalize, in fact i once heard a line in some movie or television show that said we all need at least one juicy rationalization to make it through the day. i took that heart a long time ago, in fact in active addiction it was my credo for quite some time. like any good addict one became two and two became many, and before i knew it, i was rationalizing away everything. so imagine my shock when my sponsor gently yet quite firmly informed that the word rationalization was just a fancy term for a lie. YARGH! there i was in early recovery finally coming face to face with one of the major components of my denial system, wondering how in the world i was supposed to survive without it.
well i did, and even though i still like to rationalize away my behavior, at least in the here and now, i have tools to see these lies for what they are, self-deception of the most dangerous type. so when i here myself saying i would love to work the steps BUT… i know that i am in the process of starting that whole process up to rationalize my current behavior. do i believe that i know better how to recover than any other addict in recovery? well i would say no off the top of my head, but that would miss the point. the point being that when i live in rationalizations i am setting myself up for failure, and the failure i am talking about is a decision to stop recovering on an active basis. of course, being the addict that i am, eventually that would lead to choosing to use, and once again i would be where i started way back when.
so anyhow, where is the HOPE? well, the number of things i rationalize on a daily basis has become very few, and when i am confronted with an ugly truth about the current state of my recovery, i am less apt to jump down the message bearer’s throat, and i am less apt to dismiss their observations with a quick, down and dirty rationalization such as " if you walked in my shoes…"
so off to the dentist to have some dreaded work done and then on to something that is good for me. until tomorrow TTFN.

∞ DT ∞