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did you expect, i am after all an addict, is my all-time favorite rationalization! it negates any work i have done in recovery, minimizes any change that has occurred as part of the growth process and covers multitudes of sins, in on fell swoop. the best part? i learned about it after i came to the rooms, as it seemed i heard those who were already here, liberally using it, to explain away their less than stellar behaviors. okay if i have not driven you off, yet, perhaps it is time to get a bit more spiritual and deep dive intro what that statement means and how it applies in my life today.
this morning, on my second day off after the job hunt marathon, i have the opportunity to decompress another day, before i start tooling up for my new position. the concern i had about my Mom, not answering her phone for sixteen hours has been eliminated. not that she is coming home in the next few days, but at least she has not taken as dire of a turn for the worse. ironic how my imagination runs away with me, when i am faced with uncertainty, especially since she is less than a mile away and i could have walked or driven to the hospital to see her. ahh, here it comes again, a great place for a rationalization, great big juicy one, but alas not today. i did not go and check on her, and o]f course i can blame her for not answering her phone, one more rationalization, so i do not have to take responsibility for my actions.
what i have seemed to not rationalize away, is my need to be more fit: physically, spiritually and emotionally. i left a service committee because i could not serve, without being a distraction and part of the problem. i know in heart that if i return, before i have reached an accommodation with my feelings and the harm i think was inflicted upon me, i will remain divisive rather that unifying. the day will come when i can put all that behind me and forgive, but never forget how self-will and governing destroyed my faith in the consensus process in this instance. the group conscience was contrived and part of an ego-building dog and po0nt show, that i was a participant in and one i do not regret being present for.
anyhow it is time to do some paperwork for my new job, before heading out for a Sunday afternoon enjoying a cigar with a friend. i have been following the whole bit of chaos that made me walk away and i am fairly certain it is going to rise form the ashes again, next month, as self-will can always be rationalized, especially when one cannot see that what they did was wrong. the self-righteous indignation i feel when i am certain i am right and the world feels stacked against me, is probably not any different than what my peers experience, so i am sure more will be revealed.

∞ DT ∞