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apply to me! i do not know how many times in my life i have gone down that path. it would be wonderful to say that now, with a minute clean, i no longer justify or rationalize anything that i do or say, however that is still far from reality. this morning, as i chose this reading as the ways and means to get my day started, this topic jumped and grabbed me by my … well you know where it grabbed me, as it certainly got my attention. as i sat and listened what kept bubbling up to the surface was something one of the men who call me their sponsor is struggling with, these days. specifically, how some of the groups in our area seem to have strayed from the core values of the fellowship and how they seem to rationalize away that drift by saying that the manner in which he recovers is “old school.”
i recognize that many of my peers have are beginning to treat meetings and the recovery process as if it was therapy and i find it a bit disturbing myself. having been through a phase in my recovery and service to the fellowship career, where i believed i had to “save” the fellowship from heretics and infidels, i can understand his feelings and his motives for going down that path. his concern, like mine, is what about the FNGs and will they be able to stay clean in such a touchy-feelie environment. in my experience, as limited as it may be, not one person or group can kill the fellowship and when an addict in recovery is not getting what they need from this group or that, they seek out a different one, even the newest of the new.
when i got clean, the path was a bit cruder and certainly a whole lot less inviting and as i did my best to rationalize away even being here, in the long run, desperation sat my ass in a chair and zip-tied me there until i was ready to listen. recovery, in and of itself, did not apply to me, as i was not an addict of any sort, i just had a problem with outside influences that could be ameliorated by staying clean and looking as if i had drank the Kool-Ade. today, i am all in and even though i can say that for the most part, i take responsibility for my recovery and my life, a day never goes by without at least one juicy rationalization on my part. even so, i do live a program of active recovery, just for today, and my goal today is to limit the number of times i feel the need to rationalize or justify, by doing something different.

∞ DT ∞