โ recovery can become very painful when i decide that, โ
Posted: Tue, Mar 6, 2007 07:03:16 AM
for one reason or another, the simple principles of the program do not apply to me.
so here i sit thinking about a distant friend who once was a part of my life but got carried away by the currents of life. she was part of the local fellowship here when i got clean and introduced me to my second sponsor, and then was swept away. you all know thew old saying out of sight -- out of mind, and she has been vacant from my thoughts lately, and the loss has been mine. this little bit is a segue into the whole rationalization gig. you see i have rationalized away thinking about her because the lack of her presence in my life is a pain i do not wish to bear. so instead of being honest and admitting i miss her, i simply stop thinking about her and voilà the pain goes away. i do that a lot, when something hurts, i choose to forget about it, rationalizing that i am surrendering and accepting it by putting the painful memory, concept or person into their proper place.
the best part of this little piece of behavior is that i do not even have to rationalize the fact that i am rationalizing, i just do not think about it. this is a remnant of my active addiction, this i know. i used to "X" people, ideas and things out of my life, i would actively forget about them until they were gone, and i was so good at that i could actually forget i even knew someone after the proper time and self-medication. so the nice juicy rationalization is that; is it any wonder that i still do so today, even without the medication? and then i am back into blaming my disease for my behavior, a nice piece of sophistry if i buy it. well today i do not buy into that and i am feeling the loss in my life that missing my friend Linda Lou is bringing. i need to thank her for bringing herself back into my conscious mind and hopefully we can hook up during the course of the next few days, one way or another. there are many things i need and want to share with her. it is also my day of the week to call my sponsor, so perhaps the time has come to move forward into my next step and see if this too can be removed, i may be almost entirely ready to have this "X-ing" behavior removed. or maybe not, we will see!
so here i sit thinking about a distant friend who once was a part of my life but got carried away by the currents of life. she was part of the local fellowship here when i got clean and introduced me to my second sponsor, and then was swept away. you all know thew old saying out of sight -- out of mind, and she has been vacant from my thoughts lately, and the loss has been mine. this little bit is a segue into the whole rationalization gig. you see i have rationalized away thinking about her because the lack of her presence in my life is a pain i do not wish to bear. so instead of being honest and admitting i miss her, i simply stop thinking about her and voilà the pain goes away. i do that a lot, when something hurts, i choose to forget about it, rationalizing that i am surrendering and accepting it by putting the painful memory, concept or person into their proper place.
the best part of this little piece of behavior is that i do not even have to rationalize the fact that i am rationalizing, i just do not think about it. this is a remnant of my active addiction, this i know. i used to "X" people, ideas and things out of my life, i would actively forget about them until they were gone, and i was so good at that i could actually forget i even knew someone after the proper time and self-medication. so the nice juicy rationalization is that; is it any wonder that i still do so today, even without the medication? and then i am back into blaming my disease for my behavior, a nice piece of sophistry if i buy it. well today i do not buy into that and i am feeling the loss in my life that missing my friend Linda Lou is bringing. i need to thank her for bringing herself back into my conscious mind and hopefully we can hook up during the course of the next few days, one way or another. there are many things i need and want to share with her. it is also my day of the week to call my sponsor, so perhaps the time has come to move forward into my next step and see if this too can be removed, i may be almost entirely ready to have this "X-ing" behavior removed. or maybe not, we will see!
∞ DT ∞