Blog entry for:

the excuses i use to dismiss my less than stellar ideas and behaviors, is a task that i need to be reminded to do. as a master of diversion and blame-shifting, my favorite line when i started my recovery journey was: ** see what you made me do!** that was quickly augmented by the world famous ** what did you expect, i am after all just an addict?** getting someone else to rationalize way my behavior was a full time job and distracting myself with how my peers were accomplishing that task, kept me sicker than i needed to be, for longer than necessary. minimization, obfuscation and distraction were the weapons i used against myself and wielded them with the skill of a tried and true warrior.
the good news? well as i stayed clean and worked some steps, i learned the means to act “better.” i began to look for the point my peers were trying to make and did not feel the need to contradict them. the fact of the matter is that fostering the desire to stay clean in those peers-to-be, when they walk into the rooms, by telling them the only requirement for membership is, in my mind, more important than scaring them off by telling them that if they do NOT use that desire to take action, all hope is lost.
when i came to recovery, the world was quite neatly divided into a binary system of black and white, it either was or it was not. since i had no desire to stay clean for any longer than i “had” to, looking the part of the “model” recovering addict was my sole purpose in life. if i could fool my peers, i could fool the powers that were in control of my life. everything i did was to prevent anyone for uncovering the truth about me and those eighteen months of playing at recovery, were certainly among the most interesting times in my life. learning to tap dance my way through blame, or shift the focus away from my less than savory self, was a full-time job, and one that actually provided me a bit of glee. as i alluded to above, i was one sick puppy!
it is true that desire without action will not get me anywhere. when i consider the sponsee that i am considering letting go, i wonder how i can stir his passion, rather than drive him away. a huge part of me believes i would be better off, “ex-ing” him out of my life and the argument i keep coming up against is “why?” that is a topic for another day, but i can say this, i have yet to give him my “best stuff,” so a bit more time sitting on my hands feels as if it the next right thing to do.

∞ DT ∞