Blog entry for:

as i have gone on and on about over the past few days, the FOURTH STEP that i am waiting to discuss with my sponsor, has stirred up a whole shit-ton of feelings, memories and yes, rationalizations about what i unearthed. among the garbage that is waiting to be taken out, are a few very recent and very fresh resentments, over how i have been treated, recently. because of where i am in my spiritual journey, i am super sensitive to the slightest of slights and seem to want to take everything very personally. having others treat me, as i used top treat others, really chaps my hide and these two little resentments stem directly from having my past behaviors being re-enacted upon my person. the sad truth is, that i was wrong to behave in such a manner and now i know how it feels, and it sucks. i am no more entitled to being treated with respect than anyone else. i am no more entitled to be trusted than anyone else. these resentments come from my sense of entitlement about how others in the fellowship “should” be treating me, when in reality, what the fVck did i expect, i am after all, dealing with addicts?
that is at the core of these resentments, an expectation that my peers in recovery, have somehow overcome addiction and now are walking paragons of virtue. as odd as that belief may seem, it certainly is a standard i judge myself against and goes to my core belief that i am “broken.” sitting here in this stew of emotions, expectations, and yes, rationalizations, i see where i need to tread carefully over the course of the next few days. if i allow myself to be caught up in the maelstrom of emotions and start reacting to that mix, rather than taking a moment and allowing myself to respond, i will cause all sorts of damage.
it is time to get my miles in, as the morning grows late and i have all sorts of demands on my time this morning. living life these days, at least for this addict, means seeing the excuses i make for doing what i know is against my values. i have a perfectly tailored excuse that is an addendum to “what do expect from an addict,” which is: “who is waiting to process his FOURTH STEP.” if i pay attention, hopefully i will not be falling on that particular sword, today.

∞ DT ∞