Blog entry for:

i will use the tools of recovery to help me face my emotions. well it is not often that i use the last line of the daily reading as my impetus for this particular tool of my recovery. however, like all else in this life, things are subject to change, and when i sat down to compose this, this morning, i was struck with a muse that i cannot deny. so be it…
…it stars with a memory of what another addict shared the other night, and yes i know i have been saying that more and more i need to talk less and less about others when i am in the process of writing this, BUT, this example is very instrumental in moving into my own behavior and felling about that behavior so here goes. anyhow, this other party shared that when they started to "feel" unpleasant or uncomfortable feelings, they chanted the readings we use to the start of our meetings. <judgment> i wondered how that person had all the reading so memorized!</judgment>. well that statement sent me off in quote a few different directions one of which needed to be addressed with some tenth step work that very night. what it brings me to today, is how i feel about my emotions and the task of naming them, accepting them and moving on. honestly, even after some time clean, i do not like the spontaneity of my feelings, nor do i care for their unpredictability and my lack of control over them. i find them at times inconvenient at best and mostly a huge pain in the a$$! having come to terms about what i feel about feelings, and yes i do hear the delicious irony that statement contains, i have started to feel grateful for having feelings on a day to day basis. most of my gratitude goes to the fact that the feelings i do feel today are so unlike the thrill ride of emotional change of my early recovery, that in comparison it is like being on a carousel with gently bobbing horses. the metaphor is pretty obvious so i will not waste time in extending it. yes i am grateful that i GET to feel today, and that my emotions and feeling have settled down over the course of time. i know for me, it was shopping, rather than rote chanting, that got me through those uncomfortable feelings. shopping, however is not any more healthy as an avoidance technique, and these days, when i get the urge to splurge, i have to see what is going on inside of me. that is also a gift of living the program. some of the time, i find i am afraid of something, or my expectations have not been met, or i am sad about an event in my life, as these are the three of my most uncomfortable and unnameable feelings. so when i discover the route cause of my desire to flex my consumer muscle, i stop, i pause, i ponder., i write and most of the time i accept that i am feeling what i am feeling, and shopping will not make that feeling go away, it will only delay the moment i have to go through it.
making the healthy choice to face my feelings, rather than suppress, deny or otherwise swallow them, is something i try and live by today. i sat try, because i know that to say do sets me up for failure, and although one may argue that try does likewise, i am comfortable understanding that to me, in this instance, try means to do my level best and leave the outcome to the POWER that keeps me clean. my hope is that i can allow myself to feel what i need to feel, be who i need to be and do what i need to do, and make it through another day with the desire to stay clean.
so it is off to the arctic chiller for a quick jaunt around the neighborhood, after all i have had the past four days off, and it is time to get moving -- Hasta la vista baby!

∞ DT ∞