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even with a minute clean, i am still confused when it comes to defining what may or may not be a **normal** emotional state. i spent my entire using career, attempting to level my emotional plane and for the most part, was quite successful at doing so. these days, i am less concerned about what may be the proper feeling for the the situation, as i have found that what i once thought was the “correct” feeling, may not be necessarily so. i have also come to the place where even the thought of what may or may not be normal, seldomly crosses my mind. when i was hiding in plain sight, i was good at feigning what i believed to be the “normal”l emotional state, acting out whatever part i needed to be. now that i am free to be who i am, those days are past and each day i “get to” feel whatever i feel, without having to analyze or suppress those feelings.
the nice part of my recovery journey is that even before i freed myself from the chains of the past that kept me from being anywhere close to genuine or whole, i had already come to a place where feelings just were. i no longer judged feelings as good or bad, desirable or undesirable. i came to an understanding that no matter what i was feeling in that moment, it was the “normal” feeling for me. in those days, however, i worked hard at getting my outsides to match what i thought my peers and those in my life wanted to see, even when i was tore up from the floor up, internally. my recovery journey has brought to a place where i no longer see that as an acceptable solution, as i strive to become more honest about who i am and what i am all about. just for today, i will let go of “normal” and be okay with whatever feelings come down the pike.

∞ DT ∞