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to feel or express any emotions, was certainly me all over the place. i was taught from an early age through culture and its messages, that **big boys don not cry.** i picked up on that and expanded it into a large set of behaviors that allowed me to suppress just about every single feeling and emotion i had, and when using came along, i had the perfect tool to enhance the implementation of that strategy. ah, but my life in that grey world is over and today i have the ability to feel the full range of human emotions, even when i do not have the desire to do so. sitting where i am now, i do see some advantages to the stoic lifestyle i once emulated, but the truth is, i was never really stoic, just “high.”
this morning it is not my feelings that fear, as i am quite willing and capable of feeling them without falling into a million little pieces. no, it is the uncertain future that is causing me a bit of angst. i really NEED to know where i will be working in two weeks and that answer is still not being issued from the employment powers that be. instead of frantically dashing off e-mail missives, demanding knowledge, i have been quietly waiting for the answer to be revealed. the term “patient” may come to mind, but it has been more suppression, rather than an example of me being patient. i have been swallowing my angst, my desire to know and my sense of entitlement, as the forces that may shape my life, move in the background. where i believe i will go, so i can combat my desire to “change the way i feel,” is for a long walk to get a few thousand steps and some floors to boot. what is, certainly is, what may be, well i am clueless about that. accepting that i am powerless and that applying my will to that particular outcome is not what i am about right now. it is a good day to be clean and a better day to let go and see what i can get rid of along the road.

∞ DT ∞