Blog entry for:

if i was angry or depressed, i used to mask those feelings.
first off, although i stand by what i wrote yesterday, i may have gone a bit too far, expressed some suppressed feelings and created a writing that was more than a bit vitriolic, rather than on point. part of the problem is one of my new tenth step questions, did not quite address what i was feeling when i went to bed on Wednesday night, and like everything else in my recovery, that too, is a work in progress. instead of using the words “pissed-off,” i think i should say: “did i have a strong emotional reaction to the behaviors of another, today?”
that way, i would have identified that it was entitlement and defensiveness, that was ruling my feelings, and separated the two addicts out as each deserving of being dealt with individually, instead of a group. when i hear someone dissing the fellowship that has given me this new way of living, the heat starts to rise, most of the time, i can dismiss it as just par for the course for me, and it quickly fades. what set me off the other night, is that i judged this person to be lacking in even the basic willingness to learn about what this fellowship has to offer, or even get clean. then to come off so much holier than thou, and blame the “meeting” for their desire to use, tipped me over the line. why? because i, too, want to be a self-righteous victim of everyone and everything else. i, too want to deny my responsibility and hide between he fellowships while merrily tripping off to my doctor for my next fix, because it is all that is keeping me “clean.” i, too, want to be disrespectful and spit in the faces of those who can most help me, and know that they can do nothing about it. yes those are behaviors that i am quite familiar with and although i have been practicing them for some time, i can hardly say that they are “old.” the fact that one addict's triggered such a cascade of emotions in =me, is certainly evidence that the desire for me to act in that manner is certainly still part of me, dang it.
the second addict? well, their share, as innocuous and vacuous as it was, was not the problem, although i really do hate being told what to do, from someone that i have little or no respect for. just seeing them sometimes is enough to trigger a feeling of rage, as i can almost predict exactly what they will try and tell me today, and it really has nothing to do with what is going on in their life. no, i do not enjoy being lumped into this collective “we,” that this addict shares about, anymore than i like being lumped into the collective “you.” and of course, when i hear that, i start to trip over judgement after judgement, and always landing on the entitlement bit. yes, even though i enjoy the freedom, being self-supporting allows me, i still want, nay i believe that i am entitled to an easier, softer way. even as i write that, i see how ludicrous it really is. seriously, what would a life of leisure look like for me? nothing i really want to dwell on today.
disrespect and entitlement come up off for me, as for many of the men, who choose to call me their sponsor. where i want to end-up with, this morning is a sense of yes i went off yesterday, no i was not dishonest or deceitful and yes i lacked compassion and empathy. today, i want to walk out into the world, practicing a bit more empathy and certainly a lot more compassion, and see where i end up when my head hits the pillow tonight, it is after all, about finding my way up the path to become the man i never dreamed was possible.

∞ DT ∞