Blog entry for:

in recovery to help me face my emotions. just to be clear. as i am using the term peer more and more. to me, a peer in recovery is anyone, who has today clean and the desire to stay clean. as trivial as that distinction appears, to mean it means everything. the rest? well those figurative unwashed masses are where i came from, and where i will return, IF i choose to step out of active recovery and allow the natural progression to occur. another term i throw around without much context is: “active recovery.” to me, that means that i am an active participant in living the program of recovery i have been given, to the best of my ability, during all my waking moments. that at least is the ideal, whether or not i achieve it, does not really matter. if i shoot for the stars and miss, i get so much more than if i never tried.
so with all those definitions out of the way, dealing with feelings is what i am left with, this morning. to me, feelings still suck. i could say i used because i hated to feel, but the longer i stay clean, the more i realize that was just a very pleasant side-effect of getting high. i used, because as the ADDICT I AM, i liked the feeling of getting high. no more, no less. i could go into long explanations, rationalizations and justifications, but in the end it all boils down to the fact i liked to be high, and if i could have devised a manner or had the means, i would have stayed high 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. why i like to get high, may be a mystery for the ages, but today, i do not care, because that is no longer relevant. as a result of getting high, i quickly discovered the state of emotion numbness, that was a huge part of the deal. at first it was a little disconcerting, but as i became habituated to it, i realized it was a very big part of why getting high was so pleasurable to me. i could go through huge stretches of my day and not have to feel anything, as as my addiction progressed, that state of emotional numbness lasted longer and longer, even when i was not high, per se. so yes, removing the substances and the behaviors, leaves me in a state that i am still adjusting to, namely the full uncontrollable range of human emotions, and i am coming to see that as a gift and not the curse i once thought it was. case in point, at work i feel threatened and want to retaliate against a barely armed opponent. what i am going to do is breathe, take a minute and allow the team to point me in the direction i need to go. this is not a battle i need to fight, and in the long run,. it will make my life easier and softer and achieve my goal of getting a job with benefits. he can do whatever he wants to with his pyrrhic victory, and i will move on, secure that i am working on being a better person, in all of my affairs. so time to hit it, and yes Rebecca, there really is nothing about you to rail about. you are a part of my recovery and i am grateful you made it back. as my peer and my friend, i cherish you and hope you have the tools you need today, to be a fully active participant in your life and recovery.

∞ DT ∞