Blog entry for:

i will use the support of my friends in recovery to help me face my emotions, after all NO ONE HAS EVER DIED FROM A FEELING! as trite as that sounds it is true, feelings do not kill, BUT my reactions to my feelings just may.
what i have discovered is that when i was in active addiction, my reaction to feelings was to cover them up, numb them away, OR if all else failed swallow them whole and pretend i was not feeling. as commonplace as that may sound to those of us who share the affliction of addiction, i suppose that is not how the other 85% live, but i would not know that for certain, as i am not part of that demographic. the result of the decades of dealing with my feelings in such a manner was that when i got here, i was incapable of believing that i could allow myself to feel anything but rage. rage was my friend, as it protected me from you and it kept me sane, as it was the ONLY feeling i would surrender to and unleash.
early recovery, therefore was quite a messy time emotionally for me. all of those feelings i suppressed came back with a vengeance and the the emotional thrill ride seemed like it would never end. those who were around back then, told me to hang on, surrender and have FAITH, that this was just a phase and sooner or later it too would pass.they were correct and i not only survived all those feelings, i actually started to thrive as a result.
these days, feelings still make me uncomfortable, as the inner voice tell me sh!t like real men do not cry, the world will eat me alive IF i allow them to see that i have feelings and being stoic is as close to being Godlike as i can get. all of those lies, are designed to keep me from being the man i have always wanted to be. they prevent me from taking and using the power given to me from the POWER that fuels my recovery, that will transform me into that person.i NEED readings like this to remind myself that feeling whatever i am feeling is not only okay, it is expected IF i want to be a part of the human race, all i have to do is let go, and use the program of recovery to deal with my less that savory reactions to them.
so i owe, i owe, so off to work i go, but today, i can be certain that allowing my self to feel is the exercise of my true will and not some sort of self-will detour into the darkness.

∞ DT ∞