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is a state i find myself in, most of the time lately. i can say that yesterday, i felt connected and yes a bit of joy, as i sat with a sponsee and went over his step work. i was a good egg as we met outside and maintained some social distancing. i can honestly say that being a **shut-in** by government fiat, is not certainly something i am finding distressing and one that i find myself resisting more and more, day by day. i guess what i am really struggling with, is life on its own terms, as i navigate my way through the mine field of the emotions that come from the depths of my soul.
this morning, as i sat, a plethora of notions came up as i considered the progression of my recovery and my regression into the isolating behaviors that were part and parcel of my active addiction and early recovery. trying to get a “routine” established has been the only saving grace, as i am all of a sudden finding that daily meetings is part of the “new normal” for me. one of the thoughts that popped off the stack, is am i really angry at being “locked down” or is it just my overactive authority complex kicking in? or maybe it is that there are too many people in my home and that extra body seems to lack any social graces or notions about how to be a guest. or maybe, it is the concern i feel for my aging parents, their decline and how i can exert what little personal power i may have over their situation.
one of the things that did bubble to the surface this morning, is that i do have power over how often i reach out to my parents and allow them some freedom to ask for what they do not think they want or desire. my mom is not coming home today and unless she starts to respond to the treatment, it may not happen for a few more days, as her electrolytes are not returning to “normal” levels. that is more than a bit disconcerting and i sincerely hope the medical profession figures out the root cause of her “failure to thrive” condition.
anyhow, all that aside, i may want to tune out, and drop off and find a way to “manage” my feelings. i know that is not the answer, as tempting as it seems. i will muddle through, go for a power walk, escape into a novel and some binge watching and oh yeah, attend my home group virtual meeting. i can feel what i am feeling, no matter how confusing it may be and be okay knowing that i have never died from a feeling, just for today.

∞ DT ∞