Blog entry for:

the message of this fellowship and the bond between my peers, has at times, been difficult for me. when i came to the rooms, i was sure everyone was a snitch, just waiting to turn me in for doing something. it took time for me to see that they were here because they wanted something more for their lives, what that something was, i was clueless about, but i began to see that maybe, just maybe i wanted it as well. after struggling to get past my denial and see that what i wanted was freedom from all sorts of stuff and living in the “in between” world of two fellowships, i finally “got” that what i was being offered was freedom from addiction.
trust does not come easy for me, i have been burned far too many times and when i kept seeing how content the members in the rooms seemed to be with their lives, i started to wonder if i could actually trust them. the reality is, like any group of human beings, some are more trustworthy than others. as i learned to discern who and what i could trust, i became more trusting, even if i got burned once or twice. what i have come to trust without any reservations is the program of recovery that has given me this new manner in which to live. whether or not there is an “advanced” program, i still get what i need from what i am given.
some of my peers may see me as a heretic, as i was once a defender of the faith. my passion has not changed, just the direction in which it is applied. just as my sponsor has taught me, if i attempt to do something for myself and do not like the results, i can ask for help and will get it. i know that the men i sponsor may find that “light” touch a bit disconcerting especially those who have had experience with more “controlling” members. learning how to do something through trial and error is a path that works best for me these days. i am of the opinion that if it works, why change anything.
i started off with the seed of trusting the message and the bond that is formed between those who share this program of recovery, even those who have yet to meet each other. i know that as i “age” in the program, the last thing i want to be is someone who merely extols the virtues of staying clean and living a program. i want to be a member who share about the dynamism of living clean and how that affects this addict in real-time, not the theoretical or philosophical musings of what might be. i know that all i have is the “what is” and for me, that is more than enough, just for today.

∞ DT ∞