Blog entry for:

those feelings i judged to be bad and was willing to pay the price, to lop off those i judged to be good. my goal on a daily basis, was to feel on an **even keel** emotionally, and i was damn good and well practiced at doing so. as my addiction counselor once told me, the consequences of how i lived before i was abstinent, was that those feelings never went away, and some day i would have to face “tsunamis” of feelings, as those feelings started to be released. the term he used was “unfreeze” as in his metaphor, all i did was freeze those feelings. he was not wrong and my first months clean were pure hell. not only was the desire to use something on me, almost all the time, those ancient frozen feeling were battering the shit out of me. fronting recovery and feigning stoicism was not the “cure” but i was more than certain i was not an addict and that as soon as i got a little more freedom, i would be okay using “every now and again.”
now that i have a minute clean and a daily recovery routine that allows me to be freed from active addiction, i have eliminated judging my feelings and do my best to experience them in real time. i still am more than a little bit uncomfortable feeling stuff, but as i was told a long time ago, no one has ever died from a feeling. i should know, as i have felt all sorts of them and am still here to tell this tale.
moving on to more pertinent stuff. last night, i overshared a bit at the meeting i attended. i am not sure if those in attendance “got” what i was saying, but it just rolled out of me in a projectile vomit. the poison i got rid of almost feels like the core of my insanity, even though i have learned to esteem, respect and love myself, there is a part of me that cannot forgive me for holding on to resentments and the need to avenge the wrongs i-that have been visited upon my person, by the world around me. somehow, i am not worth forgiving, even if i can forgive everyone else, with a little bit of applied effort on my part. somehow in my twisted mind, i have built up the notion that although i feel as if i can ask for forgiveness from anyone else, i cannot and will not ask for it from myself and that is just fucking crazy! 🙃 🤪 🤨
i guess i have let the SECOND STEP percolate through long enough and i am finally ready to see what gets writ large in my notebook. there is certainly more insanity that needs to be written about, but now i have my entry point, instead of having to write chapter and verse to get there. it is a great day to be clean and a better one to allow myself the freedom to be freed from the notions that are holding me back from becoming the person i have the desire to be.

∞ DT ∞