Blog entry for:

yes, there are many readings about facing feelings, feelings being a gift of recovery and feelings not being the death of any addict. when i get to one of these readings, i like a peer i was speaking to last night, want to skip past and say, been there, done that, got the T-shirt. it is no wonder, that many of my musings on this topic are so similar, as it really is hard some days to come up with a new and different angle on material i have already covered several times. all in all, hopefully today, i have a bit different twist on this same old refrain.
over the weekend, another peer, read an excerpt from the literature that was written by his recently deceased sponsor. somewhere in my recovery journey, i have acquired a practice in my daily recovery program, that is exactly as it written about, in that little snippet. honestly, i never thought about where my daily practice of working the first three steps was acquired. over the course of the past forty-eight hours, i became quite certain that none of my sponsors had ever brought that practice to me, and in the long run, it had to come from the addict who wrote that story. the catch is, that addict had already transitioned to California, when i started coming around and getting clean, but when i think about it, there were more than a dozen or so times, way back in twilit days of my early recovery when i was in a room with him, and i have heard him share his story. once the source of my daily practice has been revealed to me, or better put, uncovered from the under the piles of stuff that has happened since, there is a sense of gratitude i feel, for receiving such a valuable gift, and one that serves a very practical purpose.
for me, carrying my recovery into my life, is far important than going to lots of meetings.
for me, living a program is more important than sharing at every meeting i attend.
for me, a simple implementation of STEPS 1 - 2- 3 is more important than “sitting” for hours trying to get enlightenment.
for me, all of the above provides me a stable emotional base, to which i can return, when i start to become overwhelmed by my feelings. it is that base that allows me to face my feelings, just as they are, no minimization or maximization efforts are required, they just are. when i start dropping generalizations about what “everybody” does, to rationalize my own behavior or feelings, i am obfuscating away what is really going on inside. living in the here and now of the real world, means that i am going to have feelings and i am going to feel the pain of disappointment, now and again. embracing that fact, instead of running from it. gives me the opportunity to be more of what i have always wanted to be and continue my growth, instead of being “stuck” in a “ground hog day” sort of loop.
there is a whole lot of “for me” in this writing, and that is a purposeful inclusion. what i do for my daily recovery, is the distillation of nearly everything i have heard from one source or another, since i walked into the rooms. one of the greatest lessons i have learned, is that i NEEDED top detach value judgements from the feelings that i feel. learning how to do so, has been one of the greatest undertakings of my recovery journey and its reward means that i can feel what i feel and still remain whole, or at least as whole as i was before i felt the feeling. in the long and the short run, emotional stability and the means to face my feelings are the greatest gifts i have received from recovery, once the desire to use was lifted from me. i believe that it is because of my program that thoughts of using comes so seldom. i also believe it is because of the practice of my program that i can take a decision that will need to be made, and defer it until the right time and until i have sorted out all the feelings i have about it. i need not jump, just because i have a difficult decision to make, and that is also a gift of a solid daily program of recovery. thank you Steve S, for giving me a little bit of how you did this gig.

∞ DT ∞