Blog entry for:

trigger an overwhelming chain reaction of pain and panic, although that has not happened in a very long time.
so here we go with one of those i used to numb my feelings readings and how i have never died from actually feeling and emotion. all of that is true, and even the roller coaster of extreme feelings in early recovery did not kill me. unpredictable as they were, intense as they were and yes as painful as they were, not one of them killed me.
yet, even today, there is a part of me in the back of my head that tells me that feelings are painful, chaotic and NEED to be avoided at all costs. no matter how many times i have been through grief, that part of me insists that this time it will be different, so avoid, distract and by all means defer feeling grief. the same is true for all the other strong emotions that are the range of human experience. the addict within is certain that i cannot survive any of them and instead of riding the wave or yes even letting the wave of emotion break over us and be on its merry way, that part of me still wants to run and hide.
i know what that is all about and even though i rationally accept that knowledge, i am still, at times, capable of giving in to that fear and although i have not used in reaction to strong feelings, i have on more than one occasion chosen a behavior that is a close substitute. be that as it may, i still get to count it as another day clean. the real question here is, that why after nearly four thousand nine hundred and fifty days clean, this sh!t is part of my modus operendi? i am quite sure a mental health professional could have a field day with that question! what i think is going on, is that i spent 25 or 126 years in chemical bliss, numbing out all feelings, including the strong and what may be judged as painful ones. day after day, week after week, month after month of getting high took its toll and i was left quite incapable of feeling anything. no belay that. i was unwilling to feel anything, the part of me i call addiction relished living in that numbed down state, and was more than willing to trade the exhilaration of so-called feelings for the amelioration of the so-called bad ones. clipping off the troughs and valleys to live life on an even keel was my goal, and it was accomplished most of the time. when one of those uncomfortable feelings happened to sneak in, such as the time my mom's father died, well there was an app for that, it was called MUCH, MUCH MORE!
sitting here, having the desire to stay clean today, i understand that there is a price and a prize for that decision. there was once a time when i though having to feel the full range of human emotions was the price that i NEEDED to pay to stay in active recovery. there are also times, like this morning, where i GET that it is a prize of my decision to practice a program of active recovery. not that i am always ecstatic that feelings are popping out all over the place, but i have come to accept that if i desire to live in the real world, and if i desire to be a member of the human race, than i have to expect feelings to be a part of my daily living experience. i can face that expectation with FEAR and dread, or i can embrace it and move on, facing some really nasty things to be afraid of, like interpersonal relationships? just kidding, but that can be a topic for another morning. time to do a bit of service, and then see what i can accomplish today. it is as my friend Joe is apt to say, a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞