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chain reaction of feelings was certainly what i faced in the FOURTH and FIFTH STEP process, i am completing. feelings that have been locked inside of me, buried under the mountain of rationalizations and justifications and frozen in time. while the experience was far from comfortable, as i get out form under that tidal wave of emotion, i see myself a bit bedraggled and certainly a whole lot more vulnerable, but FREED from the LIE that my life has been based on. i did not die, nor did i act out, but both of those possibilities were certainly on my mind as i felt the DESIRE to put that genie back in the bottle.
sitting where i am today, i am grateful for the process of the TWELVE STEPS, as i am not sure any sort of therapy or counseling would have ever brought me to a place of trust, to face my past. the “magic” of the steps, is that the process chips away at the walls that were once needed to protect me, as i become ready to face what is behind those barriers to sanity. each of my trips through the steps has brought me further and further back into my past and perhaps the next round will bring me back to the present day. what i do know id that sitting on this side of that sh!t-storm, i feel a whole lot better than i did on the other side. sure i may be having issues with what is a reward and what is a punishment, at least for me, but that is trivial compared to the reordering and redefining of my identity as a person, after exploding the lie that has held me back for all these years.
this morning, as i get down to committing this to the bits and bytes of cyber-space, i am certain for the first time in a very long time, that i may just be on the right track. not that i was not of this journey before. i am now in a similar space i found myself six or seven years ago, when i finally walked through the FEAR of having a spiritual path that was way outside the “norm.” i am not any less afraid these days, there are still some overwhelming events happening in my life, but i am certainly much freer to face those issues, let go of what was done to me, what i did to myself and forgive all those involved, especially me!

∞ DT ∞