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sometimes i feel like packing our bags and moving far, far away.
so here i am once again at the family reading. i can see that i am not very verbose when it comes to this topic, based on what i have written over the years, and i am beginning to wonder why. well not really, i know why. for the longest time i was embarrassed by my family as well as being an embarrassment to them. even as a child i fantasized about being born into a different family. i was envious of the sanity i thought i saw in the families of my friends and acquaintances. what i have discovered, is that all families have their moments of sanity as well as insanity, and mine is no worse, and probably no better than the majority of families out there. yes i seem to be in the generation where addiction runs rampant, as all of my siblings demonstrate the symptoms. there are times, when i want to scream at them, that there is a solution, that they need not use anymore, even if it is not drugs they are using, for two of my siblings it is not mind-altering substances that they are using.
be that as it may, as i sit here this morning, i think back to the "family of origin" exercises that i had to do during my stint in treatment. although they were useful, i am sure on some level, i did not fit succinctly into any of those stereotype roles that they had mapped out. the insanity of my family dynamic was that each of use, went through all of the roles offered at different times. my family dynamic was quite dynamic, as well it might be imagined with five, yet to be released, addicts in the house. so once again, my family was a source of embarrassment for me. we did not fit into any of the models that my counselors in treatment were offering, so i had to make an accommodation to participate in this particular exercise.
today, however, i see my family as they are, just my brothers and sisters, doing their level best to get by. yes they could seek the means to treat their active addiction. yes i can provide the path for them to find a healthier way to live, BUT that apparently is not my role. it looks like, and i have come to accept that, i am here to recover from my addiction, and if and when they decide that they may desire what i have,, i am willing to show them where they can find it. today that is more than enough!
my family? well i have let go of my NEED for them to be TV perfect. i have come to terms that it is me, not them who needs to change. it is my stuff if i take on their behaviors as a reflection of myself, and right here and right now, i decided that i will not do that. they are who they are, i love them because of who they are, and i will defend their right to be as sane or insane as they choose to be.
so off to the streets and into another busy day. life is good today, i accept that it is what it is, nothing more and nothing less.

∞ DT ∞