Some memes

toward unconditional love? once again, something i never think about, although now that it gets brought up, it is certainly a topic worthy of my attention. one might say, and they would be quite correct, that when i got clean i did not know how to give or receive love in any form. everything was transactional and although i could mouth the words, i never felt anything genuine. i may have cried when i broke up with my ex-wife, but that was not because i truly loved her, it was all about losing a chief enabler and how sad i felt that she needed to leave me. i may not have actually killed their cat, but i certainly gave the elements of my plan to someone who would “do the deed,” allowing me my revenge.
when i finally surrendered to the fact that i was an addict and wanted to live a life freed from active addiction, i kept myself isolated to the max. oh, i showed up and said all the correct catch-phrases and clichés but i was fronting recovery, as in those days, the very notion of “love” scared the living shit out of me. i even came up with what i thought was an excellent cover story, that i was severely broken in the sense that i only had so much love i could accept and give and once that quota was filled, there could be no more. there was always a condition on love, was i worthy of getting love from someone else and if so, who would i have to stop receiving love from to make room in that limited space. it was not until i had nearly a decade clean, before i started to see that for what it was, a continuation of protecting myself from the evil of attachments.
these days i can give and receive love with no strings attached, but i am not sure if it is truly unconditional in the strictest sense of the word. perhaps, only the saints and gurus do this perfectly and i do not fit into either of those categories. what i do know is that i have an unlimited capacity to love as well as be loved, in every sense of the word. as i ponder my work with the two men who call me their sponsor and with whom i spoke to in the past twenty-four hours, i am not quite sure if i “love” them or not. i do know that i am committed to helping them find their way through the twelve steps, no matter what their paths may look like. i also know that i am at a loss for seeing them as they are, as neither one is living up to what i thought they were. that is a good thing, as it shows my judgement about my peers in recovery is still more than a bit suspect. life, however, does not stop just because i am running late and it is time to post this to the inter-webs and get out for my daily tour de hoods. it is a good day to remember that i am loved, i can love and perhaps i can do so without any conditions and be okay with that, just for today.

∞ DT ∞