Blog entry for:

trying to settle the problems of family members, i allow them the freedom that was denied to me, way back when. yes i started my recovery journey as a victim of the justice system. i make no bones about that, and gratefully, the gift of desperation arrived before my number was killed. as a result i am super-sensitive to those who try and push, cajole and manipulate their loved ones into a program of recovery of any sort. i know, that as an unwilling participant, i was far from a person who set out to build a recovery community, and yet somehow i got in on the ground floor. i can also say that regardless of the outcome, the last place i wanted to be, was in the rooms, even though it was exactly where i wanted to be.
these days i get to bare witness to the same thing happening time and again, those who “think” they belong in the rooms, but are far from ready to do anything about changing their lives. i often wonder what drives them in, if they lack the desire and basically come to puke up their particular brand of vile crap, as this is certainly not therapy. i suspect that they are here to fill out some magic checkbox, before they return to where they came from, because that was my sole motive for coming around, all those days ago. oh i could talk the talk and did everything i could to look like i was in the center of the pack, when in reality i was a poser, sitting on the edges, looking down my nose at the members that were in the rooms at that time.
ah, but that was then, and before i became a member, before i realized that i too was an addict, not some sort of addict, or addicted to this or that, but just a plain, garden variety addict and had finally reached the place where i detected my powerlessness. that event, and it certainty was an event, was a milestone in my recovery process, and even though it took eighteen months of abstinence, i arrived there, without being pushed, prodded or manipulated by my loved ones, or those who had the keys to my freedom, in their clutches.
i look at that period in my recovery process as strictly necessary to be where i am today. without all that stumbling around and egocentric bullsh!t, i would have never gotten the gift of actual recovery, i would have been stuck in that groundhog day existence of having no friends, expecting the members in the room to surround and support me, and finding myself further and further away from any sort of willingness to do something different. i am quite certain who and what i am today. i am also quite certain where i belong and if i cannot drag someone into the rooms, then at least i can do my best to live what i preach. i did not gain the respect of my peers, by sh!tting on them, every time i opened my mouth. i did not gain their trust and love by treating them as my unpaid therapist nor did i become a part of, just because i happened to sit my a$$ down in a meeting or two a week. i did the work, i learned how to be respectful. i learned how to be honest, caring, open and caring and guess what, today i am grateful that i did the work necessary to become a part of, instead of a spectator looking in enviously at those who have what i do not. today i do not have to sneak around to tanning booths, or pretend i am something i am not, today i can just be another addict in recovery, who is doing the best he can. life i like that sometimes. becoming a beacon of hope and shining example was not part of my plan, although that was what was part of my shtick, back in the day. with all of that said, i am grateful for becoming a member and being able to proceed tpowards becoming the man i never thought was possible to become. it is a great day to be clean and take care of the stuff i need to to take care of today.

∞ DT ∞