Blog entry for:

the same nearly fatal catastrophe that i refer to as active addiction, is certainly an excellent means by which to describe myself and my peers in the program. i may not have sunk as low as many of my peers, but the manner and the amounts i used from time to time, in order to get that bigger bang, certainly put me into harm's way, more than once. ironically, after a run like that, i still wanted to try for yet a bigger bang, even if i was on the verge of overdosing already. sitting here today, at the end of an era, i am struck by how long i “got away” with using the way i did, with a minimum amount of gas-lighting. on Monday, i turn over my parent's house to its new owners and i get to walk away with my sanity attached. the drama and trauma of closing out the lives of my parents and dealing with the stuff they left behind, has certainly opened my eyes to the fate of my own affairs. downsizing my belongings and the documents i have accumulated across the course of my existence is my next task as i wind down the stuff i need to do for my parents.
looking at what i have in common with my peers, however, is what my source material spoke to, and i have left that in the dust as i wrote about how i was not dealing with the feelings of loss and remorse i have over my failed relationships with my family. i can justify and rationalize that i feel closer to many of my peers than i do for most of my immediate family members. our family has never been close, nor have we ever been demonstrative of the affection we felt towards one another. hugging was not part of my DNA, before i came to recovery and quite honestly i was more than a little put off by all the physical contact i was expected to accept, once i got clean. learning to find the ways and means to start a journey towards unconditional love was difficult for me. as i progress down that road, i see that this whole affair with my niece and the estate stuff i have to deal with, has allowed me to make a brief detour as i attempt to deal with all that is on my plate. perhaps, now that the bulk of the work is completed, i can and will return to that path and the sponsorship family dinner tonight will provide ample opportunity for me to allow myself to be okay even with those with whom i have an “issue” or three, after all, it is only a few hours and there will be lots of others in attendance.
so it is off to the closet to see what i can be rid of and donate to those who may find value in the stuff i no longer feel attached to. i can be grateful for the opportunity to be okay and see if i can get through this afternoon, without judgement, disparagement or creating any chaos or harm. recovery allows me to follow the path less traveled, at least in the woods of my scary self interest, just for today.

∞ DT ∞