โ although addiction may be a family disease, i can only change myself โ
Posted: Wed, Apr 20, 2011 08:47:18 AM
okay, so the reading was about letting go of whether or not i can bring my own family to recovery, and just being an example of what this life does have to offer. i get that, i understand that, and from there i moved into a whole different concept, related but very tangential.
for some inexplicable reason, yesterday brought up regrets i have with two relationships that are not part of my current set. well they are part of my set of relationships, but neither is how i would desire that they be, and i have regrets about the state of both and looking for a way to become active in both of those relationships, in a healthy manner, not the toxic tango i participated in before. as i do on most Tuesday nights, i sat in a smoke-filled room with a sponsee last night, and went to a meeting. after i arrived at the meeting, i broke one of my cardinal rules, and texted my sponsor from the meeting, asking for some of his time today to discuss my regrets and how i can move through them. much to my surprise he was in town and we actually spoke face to face and i have some direction, some action to take, before i can even start to move forward. even though i was speaking only of one, there were two in my head, as revealed in my TENTH STEP inventory last night, and both have similar problems and i am certain similar solutions.
it is true, that the ONE has a bit more urgency to it than the other, but the other might be a better place to start, as it was not as toxic and it sort of evaporated instead of being nuked by me. what i have to do, is figure out HOW MUCH OF MYSELF AM I WILLING TO INVEST and HOW I CAN DO SO, WITH FEW OR EVEN BETTER NO EXPECTATIONS. neither task is easy, although both are simple, if i want this to happen it is my behavior that needs to change, not me, not them but my behavior. what i do not want is to start the restoration process and end up treating them with as the cliché goes kid gloves or even worse walking on eggshells. yes i know how trite that sounds, but that is what clichés are all about, translating the common experience into sound bites. i have digressed, anyhow, back to the point. the point is, that now that i am healthier can i really let go of all that has come between us and forge a better relationship? it really is on me, as i cannot and will not expect anyone to change for me. can i choose to forgive all their trespasses, real and imagined and enter this process, with their slates being clean? am i really willing to put myself into a vulnerable position and take the risk of reaching out, knowing full well that rejection could be the result?
so i have some decisions to make, more than a few things to sort out and as i think about it, i do have a THIRD STEP gathering dust as it sits in my desk. perhaps, and this is just a wild suggestion, i could write that and let everything that is percolating inside just be and see where i go as i finish the writing assignment. that sounds like the best policy this morning, after all, all of this can be surrendered into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery, perhaps, and this is quite a stretch, i could surrender it and move forward.that does feel like the next right thing to do.
on that note i will sign-off and see what i can get done, what i can surrender and how i can take care of myself and those who are part of my life today, and leave all this pondering and percolating where it belongs.
for some inexplicable reason, yesterday brought up regrets i have with two relationships that are not part of my current set. well they are part of my set of relationships, but neither is how i would desire that they be, and i have regrets about the state of both and looking for a way to become active in both of those relationships, in a healthy manner, not the toxic tango i participated in before. as i do on most Tuesday nights, i sat in a smoke-filled room with a sponsee last night, and went to a meeting. after i arrived at the meeting, i broke one of my cardinal rules, and texted my sponsor from the meeting, asking for some of his time today to discuss my regrets and how i can move through them. much to my surprise he was in town and we actually spoke face to face and i have some direction, some action to take, before i can even start to move forward. even though i was speaking only of one, there were two in my head, as revealed in my TENTH STEP inventory last night, and both have similar problems and i am certain similar solutions.
it is true, that the ONE has a bit more urgency to it than the other, but the other might be a better place to start, as it was not as toxic and it sort of evaporated instead of being nuked by me. what i have to do, is figure out HOW MUCH OF MYSELF AM I WILLING TO INVEST and HOW I CAN DO SO, WITH FEW OR EVEN BETTER NO EXPECTATIONS. neither task is easy, although both are simple, if i want this to happen it is my behavior that needs to change, not me, not them but my behavior. what i do not want is to start the restoration process and end up treating them with as the cliché goes kid gloves or even worse walking on eggshells. yes i know how trite that sounds, but that is what clichés are all about, translating the common experience into sound bites. i have digressed, anyhow, back to the point. the point is, that now that i am healthier can i really let go of all that has come between us and forge a better relationship? it really is on me, as i cannot and will not expect anyone to change for me. can i choose to forgive all their trespasses, real and imagined and enter this process, with their slates being clean? am i really willing to put myself into a vulnerable position and take the risk of reaching out, knowing full well that rejection could be the result?
so i have some decisions to make, more than a few things to sort out and as i think about it, i do have a THIRD STEP gathering dust as it sits in my desk. perhaps, and this is just a wild suggestion, i could write that and let everything that is percolating inside just be and see where i go as i finish the writing assignment. that sounds like the best policy this morning, after all, all of this can be surrendered into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery, perhaps, and this is quite a stretch, i could surrender it and move forward.that does feel like the next right thing to do.
on that note i will sign-off and see what i can get done, what i can surrender and how i can take care of myself and those who are part of my life today, and leave all this pondering and percolating where it belongs.
∞ DT ∞