Blog entry for:

change myself, no matter how sincere my DESIRE to **help** someone else out of their pit of misery and desperation, happens to be. just as i am powerless over addiction, mine, my friends, and my peers, i am truly powerless over getting those closest to me, to a pl;ace where they can be helped. been there, done that and got the T-shirt, and that family member is still doing what they did and succeeding in spiraling towards oblivion. so it goes, i accept that i did what i could do and that was far more than the reading suggests.
on another track, i went to a meeting last night and a “drug-a-logue” broke out, much to my amazement and chagrin. needless to say, i was a bit more than angry and felt foolish for sitting there the entire time, holding myself hostage to the glorification of this substance and that, ad infinitum. what that says, is that i did NOT take responsibility for my recovery and used the behaviors of someone else to shift the blame away from me. oh i could wail about the humanity of it all and what about the newcomers, but the fact is, i was uncomfortable and i “suffered” through, even though i had the capability to get up and get out, thereby ending my misery. i know that behavior very well and although i am tempted to call it an “old” behavior, the fact is, if i am still practicing it, it must be a “current” behavior with which i am quite familiar. the compelling siren's song of blame shifting still echoes in my ears, as it were.
as i sat last night. i kept coming back to the question of how someone i respect, could end up sharing what they did. how the fVck could they do that to me! once3 i realized what the real issue was, i got down to my part in that whole fiasco, not taking responsibility for my recovery and exercising my right to vote with my feet. i know that most of what was going on, with me anyhow, was that i wanted to “look” better than i was feeling. i wanted my martyr merit badge, for persevering to the end and i kept hoping for something more. in short, my expectations of others were not met and i failed to live up to my responsibility for myself. expectations ≡ premeditated resentments and today, i do NOT want to carry a resentment, or at least not a new one, against myself or anyone else. what i heard this morning was to let go and remember that my peers and i are doing the best we can, with what we got.

∞ DT ∞