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i did start to think that, if these principles had worked for others, just maybe they would work for me.
yes, i was and still am one of **those** members, who doubts, examines, cross examines and searches for evidence before i even begin to start to accept something. this is true of life in general and is especially true of anything that smacks of, how shall i say this, superstitious claptrap advanced by the ruling minority to keep me in my place. yes i do have some strong opinions, and yes it has been a difficult path to trod, reconciling what i know, what i think i know and what i need to know. although i may not be the toughest nut to crack, i am tough enough in this regard and the amazing part is that i did and continue to accept that what i see going on, may be the result of a POWER working in my life that is far beyond my ken.
thinking about what a sponsee told me yesterday, i am certain that i do not believe in FATE, DESTINY or LUCK, that i can and do crate my reality within certain parameters. the first and foremost of these is that i am an addict, through and through, not an addictive personality, not addicted to this and that but simply an addict. i may be a recovering addict, but i choose to leave an additional labels by the wayside for this journey this morning into my thoughts. from that first fact flows the rest -- namely that if i accept that i am an addict and i buy the program that is being offered, then i am powerless over my addiction. drinking the kool-aid comes easy from there, if i want to stay clean, and i am powerless, then i need to find some power that is more powerful than addiction. since it does not exist inside of me, that journey makes me seek something from the outside and BOOM all of a sudden i am there -- or here -- smack dab in the middle of concepts that used to make my skin crawl -- talk of the mundane and the divine.
so the rational man is defeated by his own logic and rationality. well that is one way of looking at this conundrum, or as i prefer to do these days, the rational man has reached a realm that is beyond logic and rationality -- a quantum physics realm where the rules and the results change based on who is observing the experiment. the experiment i am observing is my life in recovery, and trust me this is quite the experiment i am running. living without feeding my physical, emotional and spiritual need to get high and escape is certainly new and different for me, and those like me. it is only because my predecessors setup this particular lab, and this particular experiment that i can defy the odds and not use anything today.
so yes, i can accept that spiritual principles are at work in my life, and can continue to work, as long as i am willing to let them. and yes i can also concede that how they work and where that POWER comes from is beyond my limited understanding. and honestly if i choose to do so, there are many prepackaged options out there that do not require anything but FAITH in the whole package -- hook, line and sinker -- and i could choose one of those. BUT today i choose to think for myself, and while this is not the easier, softer way, it is the only way that works for me and that is what is really important. true it is a handicap when dealing with the men i sponsor who come with their FAITH already defined and are quite comfortable in those packages, BUT it makes life a whole lot easier for those that come as i do, doubting, questioning and resisting, if there is a purpose to my life, which i may or may not accept on a daily basis, than perhaps it is to be a guide for those who are struggling with FAITH in the spiritual not religious manner of living. all of this is rather academic and in the long run really does not matter. what matter fro me is that i accept, i desire a new way to live and will do whatever i need to do to live today as the best person i can be,
so off to the streets for as bit of stress release and health nut work.

∞ DT ∞