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to the fellowship, even with eighteen months of white-knuckle abstinence, getting clean and staying clean was the hardest thing i had ever been through. those of my peers, who were already in the rooms, did their best to assure me that all i had to do, is hang on, follow a few simple suggestions and i would find that staying clean would get easier, day by day. i did not recognize it then, but after a few years of doing as suggested, staying clean became auto-magic for me and i realized that they were offering their help the whole time i was struggling to stay clean, especially one the judicial hammer was removed from my life. i do my best to offer the same help as i was offered, although in these easier and softer times, my message is a bit less harsh than WORK THE STEPS OR DIE, MoFo.
over the past few months, i have received nothing but empathy from my peers, friends, family members and loved ones. the one thing i never felt for my using niece was any empathy at all. in the past, here is where the blame game would get rolling with a bit of “after all…” followed by a big “BUT” ending with “what did you expect from an addict?” i chose to react, rather than respond to her provocations, and after a few trips through the twelve steps, reacting or responding is definitely a binary and conscious choice, when i allow myself to feel the pain of whatever triggered that character defect and take a breath to respond without escalation. none of that happened in the three months of dealing with my niece. i may be able to move into forgiveness for her, but i am far from ready to interact with here again, on any level. the last time i did, she was looking for a handout. i know about ditching responsibility, i know about wallowing in self-pity and i know about looking for any explanation for what i am doing, other than being an addict.
as i grow in my recovery, i know there are no more demons for me to deal with, after a few times through the steps. unfortunately i can allow those that the POWER that fuels my recovery has tamped down, to pop out and cause all sorts of heinous mischief. i know that i am entitled to absolutely nothing, save for the opportunity to choose the manner in which i live today, and whether or not i will pick up that first drug. i may also have the freedom to choose to be present for what is happening around me , but i know , after my long experience in the using world, that is contingent upon me choosing to live another day in active recovery.
just for today, i will remember, what it felt like to be at my bottom and practice a bit of empathy for those around me, regardless of who they are, what they are doing or where they may have been.

∞ DT ∞