Blog entry for:

reason to be skeptical, after all i was clueless that honesty, open-mindedness and willingness were even spiritual principles. i often start off these little dips into my mental state with a litany of what i am not, a disclaimer of sorts. this morning as i moved into my day, i realized how pretentious and self-serving that sort of preface to what i am writing is. by disparaging myself, everything that comes afterwards looked incredibly spiritual and as if i had a burning bush sort of spiritual experience. the plain and simple fact is, i often start off that way, because i want you all to get the impression i am more. smarter, more spiritual, wiser and certainly better at this recovery gig, than the average bear. it is true, i am just another addict in recovery. it is also true, i have a few days clean and do my best to live a program of recovery. in a world filled with politicians screaming “fake news” because their actions are not presented in a manner in which they approve of; my disclaimers could be seen as trivial. perhaps they are. what i heard this morning, is that IF i am to grow spiritually, THAN i need to figure out what spiritual choices i have, where my power does lie in the spiritual realm and what is making my life less than manageable these days.
i often speak of my twilit days after abstinence and before recovery. in this context, it is incredible that i kept coming around, there had to be something that was attractive to me, other than a path out of my legal entanglements. as i hung around, i saw that i could move into one of two camps and that my participation in continuing my recovery journey was at the heart of that decision. the fact is, i had been following some early suggestion obsessively ritualistically and was getting less and less return from them. i was starting to notice that although the members purported to follow spiritual principles, they often acted out of pure self-interest and even malice. i was moving into the judging and being judged paradigm that i witness from many of my peers who lurk around the edges. if not for my moment of clarity in my Little Neck, NJ bout of insanity, i certainly would have followed the lurker path and has quite a different history today. that moment of FEAR, DOUBT and UNCERTAINTY led me to do a desperate act ↪ ask a member of this fellowship to sponsor me and commit to working the steps, to the best of my ability.
so here i sit, a few days and a few step cycles later, looking back on that event and seeing that was impetus of my spiritual growth. for the first time in a long time, i was actually learning to be honest, open-minded and willing. that does not mean my duplicitous stopped then and there, no even to this day, i want to have a “secret” and “get away” with shite that is far from spiritual. Raoul is still part of me. no matter how whole i become, that part of me, my evil twin and alter ego, who ruins everything he touches, still exists and still whispers that i can always be spiritual tomorrow. each and every day, i stay clean, i get the opportunity to make choices that further my spiritual journey, do absolutely nothing or impede my progress. in the spiritual path i adhere to, it is me who makes a choice of whether or not to exercise the options the POWER that fuels my recovery presents.
it is me, who allows someone into my life, or cuts them out, after i have gotten what i thought i needed. i am at the center of my addiction and it is only the spiritual path of this fellowship that relives me of the responsibility of making sure the sun rises on my little world, day after day. i never was one of those who had a “pink cloud” experience, and i often thought i was envious and jealous of those who did. what i am hearing this morning, is that i am grateful i did not, but was very good at emulating what i thought a recovering addict should, look and sound like. all that pretending set the stage for actual growth and enlightenment. today, while i may not be a spiritual guru, i am certainly a spiritual being, who is working his way towards being better than he ever was..

∞ DT ∞