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i grew angry and frustrated with anyone who suggested there was hope for me as I KNEW that spiritual ideas may have had some bearing on the lives of others, but not on mine. first off, my vacation was wonderful, and it is great to be back home. i have a sh!tload of stuff to do today, just to get rolling, however i have the time to sit here and contemplate the difference between who i was four thousand six hundred and sixteen days ago, and who i am today. that change is stark and one that amazes me, even today. there is more than a small part of me, that wonders if this whole thing is the demented dreams of me being in a permanent coma from s drug overdose. after all, people like me do not get to go to Mexico on their own dime , for a week to boot, people like me do not get to love and be loved. people like me do not get to own a house or have the sort of life that has come to be my reality. people like me, twist and turn in the eternal twilight of active addiction, using all their energy scoring that next fix, courting death and yet hoping that is not really going to be the case. we just sort of fade away in to the background and everyone who knows us, wonders where it all went so horribly wrong. and yet, here i am. what has made the difference? my complete and absolute surrender to the fact that i am an addict. not some sort of addict, not an addict to this or that substance, but a plain, dyed in the wool addict. without any reservations or qualification, i can belong somewhere where the people that were here understand who and what i am, and what i feel and think, without lengthy explanations and treatises on how it might have been if only…
i get to live this life today, only because once i surrendered to the fact of who and what i am, i developed enough HOPE that if this program could work for other people, just like me, than perhaps it could work for me. that HOPE still burns in me today, hence the decision i made ninety minutes or so ago that i want to stay clean today, and am willing to ask for the help that i need to stay clean today. from that decision flows everything else today, including the realization that unless i move forward, the work on my desk will not get done.
so today, i have little difficulty seeing that the spiritual principles of this program can and will work for me, and as a result i can and will stay clean one more day.

∞ DT ∞