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AND intolerance toward spiritual principles, certainly marked my end stage addiction and early recovery. all i wanted was the appearance of getting better and an excuse to use, what i got, well that is quite a story. as i spent a bit of time on the phone yesterday, with a peer who reached out to me, i realized that i recognized them, as they top-toed around their reservation, perhaps not to offend me, i heard the same ideas that once consumed me. they were, much less resistant to the notions and principles that this recovery program espouses than i was, but their resistance to committing to this way of life, was quite evident. as i sit here working this morning, well more like babysitting, i have the opportunity to look into my past to see what turned on the light switch that has led to my stretch of uninterrupted clean time.
living clean, was never my goal and quite honestly i saw whole twelve step program as a cult, brainwashing its adherents into the notion that somehow drugs were evil and ONLY GOD would be able to show me the light. what i missed al;l those days ago, was that this was not about what or how much i used, it was about dealing with addiction. for me, the most obvious symptom of addiction was my uncontrollable use of drugs. it was that use and what i had to do to use, that brought me to the doors of the program and landed my a$$ owned by the 20th Judicial District of Colorado. when my life came crashing down, i was certain that it was through no fault of my own. my so-called “friend” that ratted me out was to blame. blame-shifting and denying responsibility were my watch words and although i wanted to get from under the legal yoke, i did not want to become one of the mindless drudges of the “recovery blessed.” so learned the language, emulated the actions and behaviors i saw in the rooms and marked time, hiding my true sentiments under a patina of compliance, but certainly no acceptance, no surrender and no willingness to do anything more. even with that less than auspicious start, here i am today.
when i got my gift of desperation, as i white-knuckled my way through one of the worst late nights in my life, i realized the TRUE nature of who i was and started on the path that has brought em to where i am today. when i returned home, for the first time in my life, i could see where i was and where i was not going. i could see that the sub stances that i believed made my life comfortable, were actually my masters. i was humbled by a sack of white powder and the overwhelming desire to say “fVck it.” i CHOSE to open my mind and accept that it was not the drugs, it was addiction that i was enslaved by and if i wanted something more, i would have to do something different. it still took time, but here i sit many days later musing about spiritual principles and what they mean to me today. what is the fate of the newcomer i spoke with at length yesterday? that is part of the unknowable future. my hope is that the time i spent speaking to them is enough to plant the desire to find a manner of living that does not require maintenance of any sort of substance based habit, just for today.

∞ DT ∞