โถ one thing that โถ
Posted: Mon, May 2, 2016 07:32:17 AM
will defeat me in my recovery. yeah you know the rest, indifference or intolerance towards spiritual principles.
when i first heard this all those days ago, i was certain they were talking about religion and stuff, stuff that i would do in a church setting, with the adherents of religious tradition. as i noodled around with pretending i was in recovery, hell pretending i had the desire to stay clean, what those in the group were talking about, became clear. in that clarity i developed an attitude that those spiritual principles were for the weak and feeble, after all i did NOT have a drug problem, just a legal problem, and all i had to do is not get caught using until the clock on my sentence ran out. even after i finally got clean, spiritual principles were for the sheeple and not for me. sure i would learn to chant along with them, even learn to tell enough of the truth to cover my tracks, but i would never fall in and march to this particular drummer, i was far too smart for that! it took some time, some very harshly gentle guidance and some evidence that this stuff might just work for me, for me to become a member of the spiritual principle club.
truthfully, i was always more than a bit envious of those who come into the rooms, and partake of the whole package of recovery, from the very beginning. when i was in early recovery, i was suspicious of them, but as i grew i saw that there were more than one or two of my peers, who came in, got clean and started to implement these spiritual principles into their lives. i was not one of those.
as i have worked through this set of steps, i have become very connected to more than a few of my peers, and get to get caught up in their drama. there was a time not too long ago, where i stayed away from the newcomer, allowing my peers, who seem to specialize in helping out the newest members, to do so. all the men i sponsored had years of recovery, most a decade or more, and then, for reasons beyond my ken, i started to become ab attractive alternative to some of the newest members, and ended up sponsoring and befriending them. after the past few weeks, i know why i once kept my distance, their lives are a mass of swirling chaos, and the spiritual principles i follow today, have imposed a bit of order upon the chaotic life of this addict. that chaos takes them in and out of: the rooms, jail, relationships and any semblance of sanity. i mean seriously, who drives drunk in the early morning, just to get a phone charger? as ridiculous as that may sound to me today, i get it as well, especially if i can drive someone else's very nice ride, because they are passed out and cannot say no. i can hear the justification and rationalization in my head now, “he will not mind, if i asked he would have said i could, anyhow i will have it back before he even wakes up and notices it is gone.”
back to me, as i have tripped down chaos lane for long enough. what rings true for me, especially about spiritual principles, is being honest. lately i have found that i i NEED to justify something, i probably need not be doing it.the chaos that is touching my life because i care? well that too is a result of spiritual principles that enhance my life. one of the consequences of caring and sharing, is that what others do, does spill over into my life. that is acceptable to me, these days, as i would rather be connected and feel, than be distant and aloof. been there done that got the T-shirt! on that happy note, i think i will sign-off and hit the trail to my place of gainful employment. it is after all a great day to be clean.
when i first heard this all those days ago, i was certain they were talking about religion and stuff, stuff that i would do in a church setting, with the adherents of religious tradition. as i noodled around with pretending i was in recovery, hell pretending i had the desire to stay clean, what those in the group were talking about, became clear. in that clarity i developed an attitude that those spiritual principles were for the weak and feeble, after all i did NOT have a drug problem, just a legal problem, and all i had to do is not get caught using until the clock on my sentence ran out. even after i finally got clean, spiritual principles were for the sheeple and not for me. sure i would learn to chant along with them, even learn to tell enough of the truth to cover my tracks, but i would never fall in and march to this particular drummer, i was far too smart for that! it took some time, some very harshly gentle guidance and some evidence that this stuff might just work for me, for me to become a member of the spiritual principle club.
truthfully, i was always more than a bit envious of those who come into the rooms, and partake of the whole package of recovery, from the very beginning. when i was in early recovery, i was suspicious of them, but as i grew i saw that there were more than one or two of my peers, who came in, got clean and started to implement these spiritual principles into their lives. i was not one of those.
as i have worked through this set of steps, i have become very connected to more than a few of my peers, and get to get caught up in their drama. there was a time not too long ago, where i stayed away from the newcomer, allowing my peers, who seem to specialize in helping out the newest members, to do so. all the men i sponsored had years of recovery, most a decade or more, and then, for reasons beyond my ken, i started to become ab attractive alternative to some of the newest members, and ended up sponsoring and befriending them. after the past few weeks, i know why i once kept my distance, their lives are a mass of swirling chaos, and the spiritual principles i follow today, have imposed a bit of order upon the chaotic life of this addict. that chaos takes them in and out of: the rooms, jail, relationships and any semblance of sanity. i mean seriously, who drives drunk in the early morning, just to get a phone charger? as ridiculous as that may sound to me today, i get it as well, especially if i can drive someone else's very nice ride, because they are passed out and cannot say no. i can hear the justification and rationalization in my head now, “he will not mind, if i asked he would have said i could, anyhow i will have it back before he even wakes up and notices it is gone.”
back to me, as i have tripped down chaos lane for long enough. what rings true for me, especially about spiritual principles, is being honest. lately i have found that i i NEED to justify something, i probably need not be doing it.the chaos that is touching my life because i care? well that too is a result of spiritual principles that enhance my life. one of the consequences of caring and sharing, is that what others do, does spill over into my life. that is acceptable to me, these days, as i would rather be connected and feel, than be distant and aloof. been there done that got the T-shirt! on that happy note, i think i will sign-off and hit the trail to my place of gainful employment. it is after all a great day to be clean.
∞ DT ∞