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with anyone who suggested there was hope for me, because my experience had taught me that was long gone.
HOPE, i never thought that was a spiritual principle, and while i am often dismissive of those who enjoy a “pink cloud,” it is mostly out of envy, as i never had such a HOPE based experience. no for me HOPE was more akin to FAITH, it had to planted by open-mindedness, and carefully nurtured, before i could dare to have any HOPE at all. for me, at least way back then, i saw those in the spiritual rapture that early recovery produces as weak-minded and easily swayed, the sheep as it were, just waiting for the predator, like me, to pounce and take whatever it was that i thought i wanted. yes, i derided their experience on so many levels, because i did not get what they were going through and i certainly wanted it.
today, that attitude still creeps in from time to time, and i am often way down the road to being dismissive before i catch myself and stop doing what i am doing. after all, some time in the rooms, that pink-clouders often relapse when life on life's terms decides to strike, as it always does. what i see, is that they have come to believe that a pink-cloud IS recovery and ignore at their own peril, the warning that this too shall pass.
how i got down that road, is no mystery as this morning i see that a pink-cloud experience is one based on HOPE, and as i started off with, HOPE was something in very short supply back in the day.
i have often said, and it bears repeating today, that my program was FEAR based and gradually, oh so fVCking gradually, became HOPE based. it was like waking up in a pink cloud, but with a life that had some substance and some history. as i stay clean, day by day, my HOPE that i will stay clean tomorrow, because more realistic, as i have found that for me, it is easier to stay clean these days. when i interact with those friends and acquaintances i know that are still in active addiction, my program becomes so much stronger. i was surprised last night, by what i heard from someone who has drifted out of my life. he was confused, paranoid, and certainly delusional, and yet he had enough presence of mind to reach out in that state of mind and at least attempt to communicate. he was pissed off that i did not instantly drop everything and run to his beck and call, although he never said that, i could tell. he is so divorced from reality, that he does remember that many of us work for a living, at jobs that require daily attendance. he may get that, but in hos current state it does not matter, because like me, when i was using, everyone was at my beck and call and i got pissed off when they did not ask me how high they needed to jump. i was HOPELESS and all i had was what i could make others do, and that next release from reality that was within my reach. today, i have a program that grounds me in spiritual principles, like HOPE and allows me to be more than i ever dreamed was possible. to have as much HOPE and more than the pink-cloudies, and to live a life that is incredible today, by taking responsibility and accepting what i am, and will continue to be, an addict how desires more than his next fix, today.
so i do have to shower off and hit the road. i am grateful i have some time to consider this in the morning and i will do my best to be better than yesterday, which in the long-run will not be too hard, as i sucked at work yesterday to the max. the nice part, is that does not have to be part of a pattern, it just is. a bit of HOPE for this cold and icy May morning.

∞ DT ∞