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that will defeat me in my recovery...
so after hearing those words thousands of time, one might come to actually believe what they are saying, or else, as is my case, they fade into the background noise. it is not that i DO NOT want to hear them, they are actually engrained into my memory and if i was called upon to recite them, as well as the rest of the reading, i more than likely could do a passable job. nor is it that i think they are just one of those tired bromides that i have been hearing since i first came to a meeting. no, what i believe we have here is a failure to communicate. specifically, i am so familiar with this passage from our literature that it has lost any meaning for me.
as i sit here this morning, i am nearly dumbstruck by that last statement, especially since over the past two or three years the spiritual part of my recovery has become deeper and more broad than ever before. i accept what i used to deny and i walk a path that was long forbidden to me, because i believed i was far above it. i always wanted to let go of my pessimistic and cynical view of the world, and yet, even today there is a comfortable familiarity with that set of behaviors that attracts me still. letting go and living a spiritual life, in and of itself does not preclude having that mindset, but it does severely limit it, as the spiritual principles that are the MEAT of this recovery program are in contradiction to what i used to be, especially the dark cynical intellectual bully.
with that in mind, there is something on my mind that i need to resolve today. it have come to a place in my relationships with my sponsees, that i am wondering whether or not i am doing them any good. as i drove to the meeting last night, i was certain that letting him go off to find someone else to work with was the next right thing to do, and yet, i hesitated and did not pull the trigger. this morning, i am still debating as to what my next course of action may be, as he told me flat out that he does not need our fellowship anymore. i can accept that as fact, not one that applies to me, as i find the longer ii stay clean the MORE i need the fellowship. being on the other side of the mean, i am finding more and more ways that i am different from the addicts in recovery. yes i am in the very long tail, or if not there i am approaching that part of the normal curve that is the fellowship that has given me this new manner of living. statistically speaking, i could be fVcked! that is if i allow myself to be. after years of one or two meetings a week, i am finding four to be closer to my magic number. i am craving more face time with other addicts in active recovery and less time alone. and most importantly i am perceiving the spiritual part of the program in a whole new light. i am finally becoming as comfortable with allowing a POWER GREATER THAN I AM to care for my will and my life as i am with with being a dark cynic. i am finally coming to believe that what i know and think i know is such a tiny part of what there is to know, that i can stand in awe at how that POWER works in my life. i can and do make a difference and when i am no longer making a difference, than it is time to move on to the next phase of my spiritual life today. i am certain, that if i let go, i will know the next right thing to do with my recalcitrant sponsee. just like the two relationships that i desire to rebuild, when i let go, i found that my answer was not yet. i still have the desire to rebuild them, that has yet to be removed from my heart, but when i listen to what is going on, i realize that the time is not quite right, yet.
when i ask for something in prayer, i always get an answer wither Yes, No or Not Yet, what i am learning to do is to tell the difference between no and not yet, and what i am hearing this morning is wait before acting. the solution i seek has yet to be revealed. so for me, there is non better way to shut down and listen than to hit the road for five or six miles. it is a beautiful morning for a run, and i do believe that is the next item on my agenda this morning. i am open-minded enough today, to allow the answer to be revealed in its own time.

∞ DT ∞