Blog entry for:

...and my attitudes. after repairing the damage, i seek to repair my broken attitudes as well. i modify my behavior, and make a daily effort not to act out. so exactly what can i say, yes i have to repair the damage as well as learn to react to my feelings in an entirely new manner.
i chose to talk about amends and anger because it was the example given in the reading, and because for me, it is quite an issue from time to time. i can remember when i came to recovery anger was one of two things for me -- either smoldering resentment that led to obsessive plotting for vengeance or all out blind rage. very quickly, my first sponsor helped to recognize anger as its own feeling and began to deal with it. the next phase was my labeling phase, where my anger became one of those ‘bad’ feelings that i had to express, but because of the value judgment i placed upon it, i was shamed every time i was angry, after all, it had to be my fault because i was such a…
after i let go of that, all hell broke loose. once i saw it was not only okay, but actually healthy to express anger, well let me just say that in those times it was better not to be around me, as i said exactly what was on my mind, with the exact same of calculated hurt to even the score. after all, i always have another NINTH Step coming up to fix it, and it was much better than suppression. some of the people with whom i interact may still believe that i am in this particular phase, but that is quite irrelevant. what the last NINTH Step did for me. was to get me to see, that most of the damage i cause is to myself. it helped me to see, that although i am powerless over being angry, how i REACT to that feeling is where my power starts. just as the reading speaks to mending my attitudes and beliefs to prevent the damage in the future, i see that it is well within my grasp to amend the way that i see my feelings and as a result, react to them. THERE IS NO SHAME IN FEELING ANY FEELING, they just are, regardless of what certain groups of people may teach, lust is just lust, and anger is just anger. the SIN or damage comes from what i do with those feelings and how i behave in their aftermath. and for me, that is the crux of this reading -- to learn from my missteps, to make the changes within my power and move on. which i do believe i will do right now. so off to the streets to make up for the rainy morning yesterday.

∞ DT ∞